We recently had a conversation about how i feel towards him and he told me he isn't just looking for a hookup. I appreciate that because I like him alot more than just a hookup/fantasy but what infuriates me is while having a conversation with him over the phone, I said to him that you never know things will get a better in the end and we might end up having mutual feelings for each other. He said 'I hope it doesn't'. I felt so upset and hurt. He dumbs down how much I enjoy his company and enjoy listening to all his wonderful stories.

I wasn't the biggest fan of reading but since I read a book written by him that he gifted me, it has been all I have been craving and this week I took it upon myself to read a book. My point is that i try hard for us to chat and talk and get to know each other but after he said that to me, it totally shattered any hope I had. Mind you, he does find me attractive (he told me) and I find his personality and his wit attractive and hence I think about him i get the urge to smile but after what he told me, i think about him I want to cry. Maybe I am just a delusion little girl who just is bored, but i thought I made it clear to him that i had feelings more than just lust. I actually enjoyed speaking to him and I would reach out to him often to simply ask about his wellbeing and when he would reach out, I would be happy because I enjoy it.

It is gut wrenching. He told me in the long run it wouldn't make sense, considering he is much older than me (yes i know age gaps have a negative connotation attached to it). He is 30 years older than me, and he said that it wouldn't make sense considering one day he will be old and need more than just a fun girlfriend and asked me to contemplate about him in his older years and having to take care of him and if i am willing to accept that. However, what doesn't make sense to me is that he told me he wants a child. Again, that doesn't make sense to me simply because he wants a kid but has a problem with the age gap dynamic. I am so upset, I just want to cry.