Passive suicidiation. It means, consiously making decisions to decrease the quality and span of life.

I don't drink water, I don't eat, I don't take vitamins or supplements when I have them on hand I don't sleep. I don't go to the doctor or dentist. I quit jobs on a whim when I have no back up plan or money. Put myself in dangerous situations without even caring one bit. Bad things have happened but it doesn't scare me off one bit.

Others worry. Because it seems Im looking for trouble.

It's been like this my entire life, but last year things have gotten worse. Feelings like faith and hope, in things will get better have dapened. Instead I found acceptance in reality. That's there's no point anymore.

I've overdosed 10 plus times. I've been to 11 rehabs. 4 of which were for very very extreme anorexia (76lbs) for years. Self destruction has been a theme.

Fast forward to today. Attempts in recovery and health. Failed. Deaths, losing everything and being shunned by family and friends due to drugs. Despite all that, I'm still using drugs everyday. Secretly. And I don't want to stop. I'm unconsciously burning everything to the ground. And I hope it comes sooner than later. Bc if I burn it all down, then there isn't any more point to keep trying and I can finally truly give up.

By this point I'm jaded. Nothing phases me. I have to pretend and act like I have more reaction/emotions than I do. Because I know how I feel/react to things is not normal.

So, there really isn't much point in fighting the inevitable. I won't ever be completely my best, functional, happy., . Ill always struggle and hurt others by existing, and I'll always be in pain because I deserve it.

What else to do then just enjoy the spiralling Rollercoaster on a steep, fast drop. Falling sooooo so fast on an old rickity track.

My hands are raised, laughing and screaming. Having as much fun as possible, burning till I hit the ground.