I don’t know what to do or what to say anymore. These last two years have been the most painful and eye opening years of my already shit life. I grew up a not so good kid and if I had to push away responsibility I would say my upbringing was toxic and very damaging. None the less as I grew older I experienced life as any other person would, but the things I took from life seem to always be deeper I just always looked at everything like there was more to it. I never had it easy so as much as I tried to learn and grow life threw me under so much fire and I got back up every time, smiling, just to get crushed again. I used to take so much pride in being a good person. I’ve always said that they only thing we can actually do for one another as people that cost us nothing is just to be good people to one another, and look at the kind of world we live in. We hurt and treat each other as if the moments we have here are long enough to waste on hatred an judgment. I’ve always felt like my calling in life was music and I feel like it derived from my love for words, but something always told me real purpose was to help people in this world. It always made me feel good to remind people of the light we all have inside us. I did all of this going thru my own dark road on my own. I guess I see it now like I was holding an umbrella for the world while I was standing in the rain. At times I was falling off edge and thought it would never end. 7 years ago I met the mother of my children at the church I was attending and from that moment we were inseparable. 7 years of ups and downs and honestly without dwelling too much on that aspect of it all, in short words we went thru the toughest of walks of lives together, as one. I always said I never wanted to have kids in a world like this the way things are currently. As much as I wish things were different people aren’t good people and that scared me to bring kids into an effecting environment like that. But the world speaks to me in so many ways and it was telling me if I wanted there to be better people in the world I needed to create the next generation to become the good that I envisioned for the world. So 3 years ago my beautiful daughter was born. I decided on naming her Megumi which means grace or blessings in Japanese. I chose that name because I’m so infatuated with Japanese culture. They seem so structured and morally aimed in a right direction. The life I lived before my daughter was born was close to potentially taking me away from the world for good, so I changed my ways for the better. She helped me become more of the man I am today. A year and about 5 days later my son Neji was born. Now I admit and regret that I grew closer to my daughter then I got a chance to with my son, & to this day it hurts me so much to know I would ultimately take this route and I’ll never be able to fix that between us. But I was ALWAYS there with both of my kids since the day they were born and I never failed to show them unconditional love. My kids were my best friends when the person I loved the most was mentally separating herself from me. The moments when I was my weakest my kids were always there with me. The love and appreciation I have for my kids is more then me being their parent, at a time when I was ready to give up my kids kept me from letting go. They were my lifeline. About a year or so ago the mother of my kids decided to give up on me. I don’t blame her because I can feel she had already been wanting to give up. I just asked that her decision wouldn’t destroy the relationship I worked so hard to build with the kids, to which she agreed she wouldn’t. This last year or so I’ve worked my ass off going thru hoops to be with my kids and thru it all their mother just made everything the hardest possible for me for no reason. I went to spending everyday with my kids to never hearing from them. I’ve missed my daughters first time using the restroom on her own, her first day of pre k, my son is talking now. Today is thanksgiving another holiday I’m spending away from kids. Another holiday I to sit and watch other families spend together knowing I lost everything for no reason. I’m tired. I’ve started to feel like this is a continuance of the hope for good that I have for the world, like maybe there’s more to why I’m going thru what I’m going thru. Throughout my life I’ve tried so hard to be a good person coming across many souls in this short journey of mine, & those souls I’ve touched hold hope of good in them. The world is pushing me so hard and I think it wants me to give up. I think my story is going this way because it’ll mean more to everybody when I’m gone. I feel like the only way I can wake people up and help show the world we need to become better to each other is to show them how much this world is breaking good people down. I need to show people that hate is only tearing us apart. I cry day in and day out because I don’t get to see my kids and people across the world area losing their children and loved ones as we speak. What kind of people are we becoming to not hold standards for ourselves to not hurt the weak and defenseless such as children women and the elderly. The world puts so much fear in my heart to know that I’m unable to be there to protect my kids from everything the world threw at me when I was a kid. I’m tired, and accept the way my story is supposed to end. I feel like people like me are just scared to give up, but there comes a point in time where the pain outweighs the fear. To my kids I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you, and I hope you take this and learn from it, let this show you why we need people like you to be there for others. You need to be the good you want to see in the world, both of you. To the world i really hope we can become more passionate and empathetic as people, god did not intend for us to treat each other like this. You are my brother, my sister , my equal , my friend, my family. I hope you all take this as a sign to love genuinely and to start becoming better humans. I am content and accepting of what I want to do, and honestly I don’t think I’m going to keep going after New Years. Right now I’ve been taking it day by day but my mind and body is ready to go. Just remember if anything you learned from my tiny tiny tiny life, be good people to each other.