~Just a trigger warning for people there's talk of people who passed away in my life. If you continue to read be prepared for this.~

This is going to be an unorganized rant and i'm just mainly trying to get this off my chest. A little over a month ago my wife passed away from Ovarian cancer at a very young age....She was 29 and i'm a 28M. A week before her passing we suffered the loss of her mother passing away in a horrible car wreck. Up until her passing I stayed strong and pushed my body and mentality to the absolute brink, I survived off of 2 hours a sleep a day to make sure she was taken care of. I did everything I could to make sure she was comfortable and not scared. Now that she's gone I have been struggling trying to navigate life. Currently I am working through all this with a Therapist who has been more then helpful but to be honest I am ready to give up, it is becoming harder and harder to make it through each day and most days I just want to drink all night to feel....I know usually people drink to numb the pain but i'm already so numb I get to feel things when I drink. Anyway I work a very stressful job where I have to deal with shitty people and deal with possibly life threatening situations day in and out. I'm done with it all. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to keep my cool at work, with people in my regular life, I don't want to deal with the work that I need to do to heal from this. I was sober for several years, 3 or 4 years I can't remember but after what happened i've been smoking and drinking just about any chance I can get. I hang out with my roommates every so often but I am alone, her and I went everywhere together and was hardly ever separated unless of course I had to go to work. I also can't help but feel what is the point to all this, meaning life. Her life was cut so short and if it all ends and could end at any moment then why try in life? Don't mistake this for me wanting to check out and eat some lead or anything like that, I don't want to do that I just want this damn feeling and hopelessness to just go away. I do often ask myself how can I move on in life without her here and that hits me hard everytime I aks myself that.

Like I said I am working on healing and doing what is best for me. I am currently trying to change career fields, going to the gym consistently, eating right and getting my diet on track and finding things to keep me busy but fuck if it ain't hard to do. I do know I am heading in the right direction and I am doing what is best for me but like I said I am tired. I have to be my own savior, no one is coming for me and while that gives me more control in my life it also reinforces how alone I am in all this.

Anyways theres my rant....anyone who wants to chime in feel free I just had to open up to someone other