24 M. I was around 11 years old at the time. I always held my dad on a pedestal, I thought he was invincible, stoic, a rock. One day I was playing a video game in one room, my dad was in the next room. He didn’t know I was there. I finished my game and left, and as I left my room I saw his computer screen of porn. It was traumatizing for an 11 year old.

It hurt a lot for a lot of reasons. 1. It broke my image of him. I felt bad for my mom instantly. I always imagined my parents relationship when I was younger as rock solid. The best. This completely changed my understanding of who he was and what he thought of their relationship. I see he couldn’t control himself. which I thought he easily could do.

1. I discovered porn on accident when I was around 9, and I felt like shit about myself for watching it cause I thought “this isn’t what a healthy person like my dad would do.” My drive to be like him crashed.

I went upstairs and cried into my pillow so so hard. The following years I got used to going on the computer and seeing his browsing history he didn’t know how to clear. I got used to seeing him randomly go downstairs for a while even when there’s nothing else to do down there. I got used to logging on the computer and turning on the speakers because they were always turned off after he used it. Getting the mail and getting random porn magazines addressed to him in the mail. Year after year it broke my heart and I lost hope.

it broke my image of what a healthy relationship was. my mom still doesn’t know. sometimes I wonder if the random times he would leave during the day was to cheat, he was a very flirty guy. When I was an adult he told me that he told my mom he never had a girlfriend before her but actually he had a few.

he died last April. I’ll never get that image of him back that I used to have and know what other things he’s hid.