I'm not suicidal, but I'm not really alive in any sense. I am very very much conscious, but I have resigned myself to a fate that will kill me even if I succeed. I have decided to let my narcissism win and be my true self, which is utterly and entirely about myself in every way. I will not work anymore to give benefit the world outside of myself. I will not socialize with people to entertain and foster friendships with anyone other than myself. I am resigning my life to be completely self contained and all about me. I will run out of food, I will run out out of money, I will run out of all my resources of every kind, and eventually I will run out of luck and I will die. I don't wish to manipulate people or lie or be thought of as great by anyone, so I suppose I'm not really a true narcicist, and I do have empathy. But I'm just going to revolve my entire existence around myself and without outside input. I've been in love. I've travelled. I've felt pain, and I've felt success. I've had great accomplishment, and great mistakes. This is what I want.