Apologies beforehand, I will not be brief.

For some context, I am what you’d probably consider a textbook “incel”, not necessarily the women hating type but the stereotypical young fuck up kind. Socially inept, sexually and socially frustrated, immature, no talents, no friends, no job, barely scraping by, never had a gf yadda yadda, you get the picture. I’m 21 now but this story is from when I was 19.

For some years now, about 5 or so, I’ve been on a negative trajectory. I started isolating from my friends during the beginning of Covid and never really recovered. I lost touch with all of them and basically lost the ability to connect with people. Safe to say I have no friends anymore, not even acquaintances, not looking to score pity points, just trying to paint the stage.

It had been this way for almost 3 years before I began my first year in university. I was optimistic in the beginning thinking that it’s a new world, I’d meet plenty of people and i’d have to make some friends along the way. A whole semester had passed and I couldn’t even make an acquaintance.

I started second semester with a very cynical outlook thinking it’s just gonna be like highschool all over again, by this time I had really started resenting living, I can’t really do justice to just how much I resented my loneliness.

However on the first day, I met a girl. You can see where this is going. She was very forward and “clingy” right off the bat. That is how I perceived it anyway, I’m not exactly an unbiased source but she just took a type of interest in me that nobody has in years. I appreciated that since I am not good at maintaining relationships, especially new ones. But like I said, I was pretty cynical from my first year so I figured she’ll keep this up for about a week and then she’ll realize how boring of a person I am and she’ll move on and that’d be the end of that.

Surprisingly, she stuck around. We almost spent all of our time on campus together, I got to know her more than I’ve gotten to know anyone else in years and she got to know me more than anyone else in some years. One month passed and I was overjoyed that this might actually last. She was asking me to join her classes and grab lunch after class and whatnot. I really can’t do justice how much all this meant to me. It had been so long since i’ve hung out with anyone, let alone someone asking me to hang out with them.

This is honestly the happiest and the only happy memory I have in 5 years. Over the course of the next few months, she started asking me to do little favours for her, nothing major, just every now and then. I didn’t mind at all, like i said, she was like the best thing that had ever happened to me, for the first time, I was truly happy. Over time they became more frequent but whatever, i’d do anything for her. I’m not saying this to paint her in a bad light, the importance of this detail will become clear later on.

So far, we were only friends really, I’ve always wanted a girlfriend but I figured she’s prolly not into me that way which I didn’t mind, beggars can’t be choosers. But over time, i started to feel like maybe she was into the idea? small little cues like calling me cute and asking me if she made me nervous, one time she told me she wanted me to take me somewhere and she walked me to do this desolate little pond and told me everytime she comes there, there’s people kissing. I thought that was a strong message that she wanted me to kiss her, I was probably going to but a raccoon started chasing her so we had to leave.

I didn’t really mind tho, I wasn’t in any rush to get physical. But I saw that event as a sort of pivotal moment in our “relationship” from where I stopped treating it like a friendship but moreso as an innocent mutual crush kinda thing. Looking back, maybe all of this could’ve been avoided if only I had just clarified my thinking.

Regardless, months went by and i fell harder and harder for her. We were talking everyday, i’d go as far as to say, we were close friends at the very least. I had never been so happy in my life. I didn’t even know it was possible for me to be so happy. I wanted to make it official before the semester ended since we wouldn’t see each other during the break as we lived in different cities. But life got in the way and she couldn’t meet me, I asked her to stay after the exam so I could tell her but she said she had to go home. I was slightly annoyed since i’d always make time for her regardless of how much it interrupted my schedule but whatever, I didn’t wanna pressure her and risk scaring her away but I really wasn’t excited about the prospect of having to wait four months to tell her given i didn’t wanna do this over text or phone call but i figured we’d probably stay in touch and i could prolly hit the ground running the next time i saw her.

I was wrong.

We were talking everyday and then just like that.

Nothing.

I waited assuming she was probably busy, but after school ended, I never received any kind of communication from her whatsoever.

I figured maybe she doesn’t want to annoy me so every now and then I’d text her, she’d give extremely quick “conversation ender” type relies.

the cognitive dissonance drove me insane, i felt like we were close, and now suddenly, it felt like i was some creep trying to slide into her dms.

It drove me insane, truly insane.

In my paranoid, hurt state, I rationalised it as her leading me on. That’s where the favour thing comes in to play, she was always asking me to do things for her, and i did, even if it severely impacted my schedule, I did it, no questions asked. In that state, I rationalised it as her consciously weaponising her affection to exploit me. She was a smart girl, smart enough to know that I was desperate, smart enough to know how i’d do anything for someone to care about me. so she made it seem like she did and i’d do whatever to keep that.

It all came to a breaking point in the middle of the vacation when I confronted her over text and she seemed rather indifferent to the fact that I was as upset as I was and then came one of the single most embarrassing, shameful moments of my life.

A full fledged “nice guy” meltdown like so many you’ve seen r/niceguys or whatever. I wasn’t vulgar about it but it was the single most pathetic thing I have ever done in my life.

Literally from the next day, I wanted to beg for forgiveness. But we weren’t on speaking terms, I knew i couldn’t just approach her in public and do this so i kept texting her apologies which just made things worse. she told me to stop contacting her.

I know i should’ve stopped right then and there but the guilt was eating me alive, i really didn’t want her to hate me. She was the most important thing in the world to me at that moment, I couldn’t bear the thought that i’d just become some fake nice guy in her head. I kept texting her apologies after she told me to stop contacting her, it’s so dumb looking back, i know now i should’ve stopped but i didn’t. she kept ignoring me.

I waited a couple months till her birthday and i wrote her a card apologising, to which i also didn’t get a reply. and a couple months after that, i wrote an email again apologising. i cannot rationalise my thinking now, it seems so obviously insane and unstable but it made so much sense at that moment.

The university intervened after that and told me not to contact her in any way. They told me she was “scared” of me.

It ripped my heart to pieces. To think someone who brought so much happiness into my life was afraid of me. That i made her feel that way. When they told me this, I was in disbelief. Now that it’s been almost two years, obviously she was terrified of me, I was acting like a complete insane person.

I never tried to contact her in any way after that. I was completely and utterly devastated that I made her feel that way. For months after, it’s all i could think about. A whole paradigm shift occurred in me after that whole incident, I started feeling like a predator. Not predatory but like everyone around me knew I was a creepy predator looking to prey on them.

I can’t quite explain it, I was uncomfortable being around people before but since that whole incident, it’s on a totally different level. Whenever i’m in public, i feel like everyone knows i’m a creep. I’m a creepy little predator and everyone knows and everyone hates me. they’re all afraid of me.

this is particularly true for women. i am deathly afraid of women because i cannot shake the feeling that they’re all afraid of me, that they all know im a creepy predator trying to get in their pants. My anxiety around women has gotten so bad that i cannot even be around one without wanting to leave immediately. I just cannot for the life of me shake the feeling that they’ve got 911 dialed in whenever im around.

moreso than anything i guess, i still feel bad about what i did to that girl, i hate the fact that i will forever be some predatory “nice guy” who showed his true colours when he realized she wasn’t gonna fuck him. i hate it cuz that’s not how i see it at all. all my happy memories belong to her, and ill always cherish her for that. i never ever wanted to make her feel any kind of negative way, let alone make her scared of me. enough time has passed where i don’t think about this obsessively like i used to, but i know it’s there, it’s always there, this immense guilt and regret that the only person that showed some interest in me in years, i punished her for it so bad, i doubt she’ll ever try to communicate with some socially maladjusted loser ever again.

I feel uncomfortable at the prospect of ever being near anyone else ever again. I resent my solitude but I cannot risk getting close to anyone without fearing that i’ll have a moment like this again and they’ll come away afraid, traumatised and forever regretting ever having met me.

It’s not rational i know but i can’t shake the feeling that she hates me with every fibre of her being, realistically, she’s got bigger problems now but yea idk

im not looking for pity or “you should go to therapy”, i just wanted to tell my story cuz i dont have anyone else to tell. hopefully i can leave all this behind someday.

atm, i’ve never hated my loneliness more but my desire to be forgotten by the world entirely has never been stronger. i cannot bear the thought of imposing myself on anyone in capacity. i wish i could erase myself from reality and every memory people have of me. i’m back to thinking about this again now cuz her birthday is nearby, i pray and hope not a shred of me remains in her head. i just want the whole world to forget me and every ill ive done. thank you