I don’t even know how to word it, but like the past… idk half a year probably… I’ve noticed a big change in my attraction to men I used to really really be attracted to. They don’t cause any feeling in me any more. Even looking through old pics and stuff I just look at it and I’m like… ew. There’s nothing there.

And I’ve been searching and searching and searching for SOMEONE that gives me that attraction spark again, and I’ve really really missed sucking a thick dick but now I’m starting to think… what if the only reason I wanted that was because it made HIM happy, and his satisfaction made me feel worthy? But then after a while, he gets bored of me… doesn’t find me attractive any more. Doesn’t want me. And then all of a sudden, I feel the same towards him. Why?? I don’t understand it. But growing up my parents always forced the “you don’t like girls- you only like boys!” on me so now I’m like even more confused. I haven’t been with a girl other than like one night stands in a few years now. I get so nervous around them. They’re just so perfect and pretty and amazing and idk how to explain it. And even when they don’t want anything sexual to do with me, I still feel that sparkle and attraction to them. At least wanting to be around them. Near them. Texting them.

I’ve never felt that with a guy. Basically once they’re bored of me and lose interest, I’m garbage and I see them the same. If I can’t satisfy him, then I’m no longer of use and lose that attraction.

With women though… we still talk. And hang out. And do shit together regardless of if there’s sex or not. We don’t have that same connection loss.

Why is that?? WHAT is that??

Why am I wanting a guys attention so bad rn when I know it won’t last, and won’t be satisfying? I don’t get it. I’m so confused…. I don’t know why I want dick rn so badly. Part of me feels like it’s just a coping mechanism or trauma response from the last guy I was into no longer wanting me or anything to do with me. That I’m just reacting. Wanting that immediate satisfaction a guy would so easily and willingly give. Even if it doesn’t last.

What am I? I’m so lost.