I’ve realized I was gay/been out for three and a half years (almost 25, came out at 21) and have occasionally had semi-questioning thoughts creep in throughout, but the dreams are especially confusing to me.

Since coming out I’ve had a handful of semi intimate dreams about men. The one I remember though is from last night. Nothing sexual happened but I remember quickly developing strong heart-racing crush feelings for a random guy in the dream, flirting a bit. He called me cute at one point and I remember laying by him and my heart racing when he said he wants to kiss me. Remember feeling a swell of emotion, thinking no I shouldn’t we just met, but then wanting to and moving in and kissing him. I also remember his face vividly—he was very pretty, boyish, hazel eyes, these bangs swept over the forehead…looked somewhat like a boy crush I had in middle school but older and slightly different feature wise. I remember thinking in the dream after the kiss that my mom would be happy that I like a guy (which she absolutely would irl).

In another segment of the dream, I was dancing with this dream guy and another guy liked him and was being super possessive toward him. I was telling that guy to back off and that “my” guy doesn’t like him back. .I remember looking around and locking eyes with a lesbian, a butch woman, and wanting her to notice me but feeling a kinda sad like “Oh man, she might think I’m straight/bi cause I’m dancing with this guy”. But then me and the guy went off (and this Posssesive guy who liked him followed).

To note, I have been having internalized homophobia thoughts lately and sometimes wishing I was straight (only superficially) because fitting in would be easier. I have not been watching a lot of media (just reading totally unrelated nonfiction books) and I haven’t been looking at guys (or really thinking about them) at all lately, so I don’t think it was anything like that that influenced the dream.

Also a bit interesting—the guy in the dream liked me as my masc presenting self. I didn’t turn fem in the dream (I have in some). We were both wearing football jerseys and I remember thinking that this feels gay in a way , but also clearly aware that he’s a guy and not a butch lesbian (I’m attracted to both masc and fem women).

It’s just odd to have a dream like this after being out several years and feeling no attraction to men in my day-today life or on media, outside of physical ‘attraction‘ if a guy looks really cool. Now, my feelings when younger are hard to judge. I’ve never felt sexual attraction toward any male, but I was obsessed with boys in a possibly romantic and aesthetic sense as a teen up through age 21 really. And that experience sounds a bit different from the few lesbians I have talked to…who never would have electively had a ’boy crazy’ phase like me. (Though looking back part of my interest was secretly wanting to be like the guys in terms of fashion/masculinity, and when I came out I realized I’m butch very quickly).

Has anyone else had dreams like this where your dream self is attracted to some man and feeling things? I still feel like I am solid that I have no sexual attraction to men and only toward women, but what if I’m slightly biromantic and had been blocking myself from it and shutting down the possibility of being with a guy because I’m masc and (most) men aren’t into that and that dynamic is hard to imagine? And because I WANT to be lesbian now (have been happy being one) and it would be a major blow to realize I wasn’t and lose the community and everything? Being lesbian and a butch lesbian has been really important to me and so even entertaining the idea I might be slightly bi is something I feel opposition toward.

Or, alternatively, maybe I am happy thinking part of me could be bI, with all the internalized homophobia and struggle fitting in I’ve felt lately, it would be a major relief if I could just like men, or one man. My mom would be happy, for sure. And a lot of society. It would feel, unfortunately, like some sort of relief, thought it’s extremely hard to imagine myself with one.

Thoughts?