If you’re attracting a girl and doing a good job of it, a very common thing to hear from her is the phrase: “we’re not going to have sex tonight” or something similar.

A common time for this to happen is when you suggest changing venues. In particular, going to a venue where the two of you will be alone (such as someone’s house, a hotel room, etc.)

In this post I want to completely reverse your thinking on this statement. For most guys it’s very common to dread hearing her say this. They interpret it as a bad thing. That is completely backwards.

From now on, if a girl tells you this, remember: THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

Here are 3 Reasons why & what to do.

1. In Order to Say This: She Has to Be Thinking About Having Sex with You Already

Let’s consider two scenarios:

First –

Consider a girl meeting a guy at the bar who is “ok” but she’s not really that attracted to him. At some point he suggests going back to his place for a drink (i.e. switching venues to be alone). Is she going to agree and say: “ok, but we’re not going to have sex tonight”?

Of course not.

She’s already dismissed him as a potential sexual partner (for whatever reason). Yeah, the conversation they’re having may be tolerable until something better comes along. Yeah, she may be enjoying the free drinks he’s buying her. But she’s already dismissed him sexually. Therefore, there is never a need to say the phrase “we’re not having sex tonight.”

She’s simply not going to switch venues with him.

Second –

Consider a girl meeting a “social guy” or a “guy batting for the other team” at the bar. Maybe it’s a friend of a friend (doesn’t really matter). At some point this guy suggests going back to his place for a drink. Maybe the bar is closing and the conversation she’s been having with him has been fantastic. Maybe this is the funniest “guy batting for the other team” she’s ever met, and he’s had her in stitches all night. She buzzed. She doesn’t want the conversation to end. So she agrees.

Does she say: “we’re not having sex tonight” when they’re on their way back to his place?

No.

Because just like in the first scenario, this guy is not a potential sexual partner. He’s either a “nice guy” who she can immediately tell with be “nice and attentive” all night and will never even try to make a move.

Or, maybe he likes men.

Either way, he’s not a potential sexual partner, so there is no reason for her to say the phrase.

Based on these two scenarios, you should see that if (1) a girl agrees to move to a private venue with you and (2) says “we’re not having sex,” then (a) she considers you a sexual partner, (b) has already been thinking about having sex with you and (c) is willing to move to a private location with you, despite anything she may state verbally.

So you absolutely, 100% want to hear this statement.

In fact, IF YOU’RE NOT HEARING IT REGULARLY, then you’re probably doing something wrong – like being a friendly guy who gets friend-zoned or being a nice guy who just gets dismissed.

1. Girls Don’t Want to Be Considered Sluts (by Themselves or by Their Friends)

Have you ever told yourself you “weren’t going to do something” and by the end of the day you did it anyway?

For example, you woke up in the morning and said: “today I’m not smoking any cigarettes” and by noon you were taking your first drag.

Or the opposite:

Have you ever woken up and said you were going to do something, and then procrastinated and never got it done?

We’ve all had that happen.

It’s human nature to tell ourselves what we want to hear, but then let our subconscious desires take us in the opposite direction.

Also, if you haven’t yet mastered the art of giving no fucks, then it’s human nature to tell others what we think they want to hear, but then let our subconscious desires take us in the opposite direction.

It’s the same with girls.

Girls want sex. But they don’t want to be viewed as sluts by themselves or by their friends. So they say something that they or their friends “want to hear.” Like telling you: “we’re not having sex.”

After considering what you have told yourself that you would do (or not do), and then allowed yourself to do the exact opposite, it should be clear that people often don’t say what they mean.

In fact, they often say the exact opposite.

1. “We’re Not Having Sex” is a Shit Test

This phrase is a shit test like any other. She wants to see how you react. She wants to see if your words and behaviors are congruent. She wants to see if you get flustered by this statement. If you do get flustered, all of the sexual tension you’ve been building up over the last few minutes/hours can deflate in a split second.

Just like the saying that it takes years to build a reputation and only seconds to destroy it. It can take time to build sexual tension, but only fractions of that time to wipe it out.

So this is a critical moment.

Knowing what we now know about why girls say this, let’s look at exactly how to handle this test.

How to React to the statement: “We’re not having sex.”

1. Appear Completely Unphased

This is the most critical rule of all.

Below we’ll cover options regarding what to say or not say. Regardless of your actual response, your face and body language has to appear as if this statement is completely expected. Like you’ve heard it 1,000 times (and gotten laid 999 of those times).

Remember as I said above, if she is changing venues with you (to a private venue) and saying this at the same time, sex with you is heavily on her mind.

Your physical reaction to this statement should be no different than if she said: “I like purple shirts.”

You simply have no reaction. Your indifferent to the statement.

In your mind though, you should actually be happy, remember: This is what you want to hear.

2. What to Say or Not Say

I’m going to give you 4 options of what to say or not say.

All of these work. In general, you’ll never need more than one. However, it’s possible that during the course of you switching venues, having a drink, and ultimately (most likely) getting to sex, she could say the phrase “we’re not having sex” more than once.

Even though she sounds like a parrot saying this over and over, you don’t need to parrot back. So you can just mix up any of these responses if she says it more than once.

a. Say Nothing

This is effective and powerful. You basically just ignore her statement and continue talking about whatever was being discussed right before she said that. Or if there wasn’t anything in particular being discussed, you can just change to any random topic.

For example:

You to exit the bar. The Uber is on its way. You move away from the entrance of the bar with her to an appropriate place to stand and she blurts out: “you know we’re not having sex tonight right?” You glance at your phone and say: “Shit maybe I should ordered Lyft, this Uber is still 3 minutes out. Hey did you see those two girls in the bar over by the…..”

That was basically two subject changes. You glossed right over what she said and started talking about something else.

This reaction is great for the first time she gives the test. However, because you haven’t acknowledge her statement at all, it’s likely she will say it again at some point.

b. Agree & Flip It as if “Your Idea”

This one is great because even though you agree, flipping it around as if you’re the one saying it completely negates it’s power from her side.

For example:

Her: “You know we’re not having sex tonight right?”

You: “Definitely not. I wouldn’t let you have sex with me on the first night. I’m not like that.” (as with nearly everything in game – that is said with a “I’m just a little too confident” smirk).

c. Agree & State What Will Happen

Her: “You know we’re not having sex tonight right?”

You: “Damn right. We’re just going to make out like high school kids.”

This one is great because it seems to “agree” but at the same time directly states that things will turn sexual once we get to the private venue. If she just accepts that without responding, stick your tongue down her throat the minute you walk through the door of your house.

Very Important: Just so there is no confusion on this one. This is a bold, “I’m in charge” type of statement. This is not a question. There is no inflection in your voice. You’re not asking her if it’s ok if you guys make out. You’re leading. You’re telling.

d. You Say the Statement

This one is great because while it still seems to “agree” it also starts to feel like a tease – like you’re poking fun at her for even bringing something like this up.

You can use this one after she’s given the test one or more times.

For example:

If she’s given the test twice before you’ve even arrived at the private venue (and you’ve used some of the techniques above already), you can preemptively say (like when you’re walking toward the front door of the house):

You: “Remember, we’re not having sex tonight. We’re just going to look through a bunch of old paint samples I have for redecorating my house.”

Replace the “paint samples” example with anything relevant to your life that is something total boring and the exact opposite of what you would do with a girl you just brought home.

Now it’s a playful little jab that pokes fun at her for giving you this test twice and provides an alternative which clearly is not what you two will be doing once inside.

Conclusion

After reading this post you should be completely prepared (and excited) for the next time a hot girl tells you "we're not having sex tonight" while she's simultaneously on her way back to your place.

If you enjoyed this article, make sure to check out some of my top posts at my website, including: Fuck It, Assumptions and the Sexual Frame.