My mother is never going to accept me. So I've been shaving my head since pretty much the beginning of the pandemic, because it looks great on me, because I love it, and because well, why the hell not. I love it, and honestly if at first people remarked on it and gave me compliments, honestly no one cares anymore. Except my mother. She can't let it go. At all.

I'm 31 and still live with my folks because of my, uh, situation. I'm absolutely not out to anyone in my life except a handful of online people and two friends I only have contact with over text anymore. But I've always dressed more masculine, and y'know, I have my own style! My mother hates it lol but I look like me and I'm comfortable like that.

Anyway, we had an argument over her criticizing my physical appearance, and she went into this long tirade about how I reject femininity, and that everything I do is reject femininity and reject her by the same fell swoop (as though femininity is that only possible thing she could transmit me), and that I'll never get a boyfriend if I don't look more like a girl, and that she gave birth to a girl, and girls are supposed to be a certain way... Literally my style is the same as it was in the nineties... cargo pants and fun t-shirts, so like, if it was okay for me as a kid, what the hell is the problem now? How is the way I choose to dress and wear my hair affecting her at all?

She didn't use to have the rigid stick of heterocisnormativity shoved up her ass, but apparently she does now, because me not conforming to her idea of femininity is an affront to everything she is. And after that she cried a lot and I felt bad that just me being me was causing this. She had no idea I'm actually a dude, but it feels clear to me that I can never tell her. Or anyone. I don't want to find out how conditional the love my family has for me is. If shes's crying and ruining the whole evening over my haircut, which I've had for over a year, then I can't ever come out. I'm not strong enough to face any of this shit alone. I just can't.

So I guess my entire life is going to be pretending to be someone I'm not until everyone I love dies, because I'm weak and a coward.