Hey everyone,

M/27/Bi here

Not entirely sure what this post is until I actually finish writing it, but here goes. I’ve been struggling mentally these past few months pretty badly, following what I would call a confusing break up with my ex in early December. He was my first relationship, of about 9 months (perhaps not significant to some, but it was to me). I won’t bore you with all the details of that breakup, but in essence, it was a ‘I need to concentrate on me’ sort of a breakup, instigated on his side. The standard ‘I’d like to be friends’ and then a drift apart, and we now haven’t spoken for about a month (that’s on me really, for not replying). But I guess I’ve realised that until I sort of own demons out, there’s no point trying to engage or repair anything I had with that relationship. I must be content with who I am and my own situation before I move forward, in whatever direction that is. Ironically, the very reason the breakup was instigated from his side - but I must concentrate on myself before I can even think about reconciling with him or indeed just moving on, and seeing other people.

What I’ve realised is that the relationship meant to me was so much more than just a love for, or relationship with an individual. But it was the first time that I felt truly accepted for who I was, and could be open and happy with that person. He didn’t judge me, pressure me, or suggest I alter who I am. But the fact was that I was unwittingly doing so myself, I’ve now realised that I (and have done for 10-15 years now) was changing the way I act - because of what society or the people around me might think of me. Now, I don’t believe in soulmates to any degree, so am under no illusion that this isn’t a case of ‘he’s the only one for me’. But the fact is, I still miss him desperately. And I have a lot of regret about how that relationship panned out. Until I’ve sorted myself out though, I don’t think I can move forward.

My struggle now has certainly gone beyond that relationship, and into me realising that being bisexual, and hiding it, has altered the way I act and live my life to such a degree, that I’m just so unhappy with it. The amount of times I have told little lies, worried about what people might think, bought a different colour of clothing, ordered a different drink - simply because, shock/horror, someone might think I’m gay. It’s this internalised homophobia that I feel like has been holding me back for so long, dragging at my heels without me even realising. And now, I’m so ready to get rid of it. No more will this be my enemy, and it’s time for me to embrace what I really am, enjoy my life and not worry about a stigma or judgement of individuals, but do what I want to do because I want to, not because society thinks I should act in this way or that.

I am not yet out to everyone who needs to know, or at least who I need to know before I can move forward. It’s the people who’ve known me the longest that make it hardest - it’s not the information that I’m scared of saying, but the guilt I feel for all the little lies I’ve told, for changing the way I’ve acted, or for withholding something from the people I love and worrying that they’ll think I’m hiding from them because they might reject me. My parents, one of my best friends - why haven’t I told them? Why can’t I just do it? Why do I feel like this? And if I sit down and tell myself - just do it - then not doing it makes me feel pathetic, cowardly and stupid for not doing so, and I’m back to square one. I’m seeing a counsellor but I’m not sure how useful it is anymore, as I just don’t feel any better about myself, at least not for a prolonged period of time.

I’m not sure what this post is still, even now I’ve finished it. I’ve written so many unsent notes in my notepad to my parents, to myself and to him - sometimes it’s just good to write things down. Anyway, here’s my story and my struggle - perhaps you can relate, perhaps not.

Peace and love, all xo