Hello everyone , I hope that all of you are okay. I am new here and I just need a place to express myself. I want to come out tonight and I thought that this was a way to keep trace of what was going on in mind at the time

Sorry for the mistakes, english is not my first language, French is.

For those of you who think that this post is too long, there is a tdlr at the end.

Here is the deal. I just suddenly felt the urge to come out tonight. I am not a Teenager nor someone in their early twenties. To be quite honest, I have just hit 30. I am female and I work in a field where if people knew or even suspected it, I am done for, my career would be gone with the wind and I would have been sexualized because for some odd reasons, society thinks that lesbians are for men's pleasure

My main problem is my mother. I currently live with her due to cultural reasons ( girls are expected to stay at the family 's house until they get married), financial reasons ( a studio is double the salary of an average professional), security reasons ( house robberies and you can't get assaulted if they realize you are a woman living alone).Because of All of those reasons, it is virtually impossible for me to live alone now.

What I am trying to say is: _ years are piling up and I am not getting younger - love life is inexistant because of unaccepting society _ can't move out so I can't be myself _ been in the closet for so long, it is physically hurting me _ I recently turned down an opportunity to live in Japan for 8 months because I was scared to leave my family's home. I made up excuses like, my little brother ( he is 5yo) will not be able to process my absence for 8 months or I am professional, I can't be gone for that long, even though it is because of my job that I was going there.

I think the main reason is that I could have had more chance to live up my sexual orientation in Japan and I got scared. This is the perfect example of someone who is afraid to shine thus sabotaging themselves instead.

To make things worst, my mother's views on the issue are problematic therefore, I am a little hesitant. I came out to her once before when I was twelve. She responded by saying that it was because of my teenage hormones.

At 19 yo, she tried to justify my lack of interest in men and relationships by saying that I was sexually and emotionally underdeveloped. I was not mature in this area.

Then in my twenties, it was because " I am career oriented".

Honestly guys, I am tired. I want to stop this pretending game and move on. So I decided to cut the bu*** and break the cycle.

TLDR: 30 yo gay female living with mother, can't move out. She wants to come out to mother that have non sensible view about homosexuality. Been in the closet for decades now. Afraid of living her life.