hey y’all. i (23 cis f) am really struggling with my coming out process and i need some advice.

i have a really rocky, overbearing relationship with my parents. i have constantly been the black sheep of my family and have hidden from them about everything in my life since i was 16. they constantly try to improve their relationship w me but have really toxic methods and i respond very negatively. my mom is outwardly homophobic and screams whenever someone gay is on tv, which is becoming increasingly unbearable as representation grows across media.

until i went to college, i really thought i was straight. aggressively so. but every single one of my friends from high school was queer. i always thought it was a coincidence and i was the odd one out. i think this gave my parents a lot of false hope about who i was. and then i realized my toxic hetero energy was founded in a deep insecurity. and i’ve been hiding it from them ever since, which wasn’t a problem at first, but i’ve been in a relationship w the beautiful love of my life for the past year, and still haven’t told them. it’s a constant cinder block of anxiety that i carry with me in everything i do. every where i go. and i worry that my past will make them invalidate my present.

they kind of do know, though. they constantly ask me questions about my friendship with her and have told my other relatives they think i’m hooking up with her. the thing is, i’m not “hooking up” with her. i am deeply and thoroughly in love with every part of her, and everything she brings to my life.

being closeted comes up in our relationship almost daily. not because she doesn’t support me, she DOES. she is endlessly patient and accommodating and flexible and she deserves a novel peace prize. but it comes up so often because i constantly have anxiety attacks and outbursts over what will happen, or how to get out of this horrible cycle of hiding.

i’m finding myself at a breaking point, knowing no reaction from my parents could possibly be worse than i how i feel now. i feel ready now, more than i ever have.

my question is about HOW. i’ve thought every day for the past year about my plan to come out. and, as you can imagine, it’s undergone many iterations. i recognize there is no delicate way to deliver a live grenade, but i wonder if some phrases or delivery methods are better than others.

i live in NYC and my parents live in PA, so i’m not with them, but i feel compelled to come out like... now. i’m feeling guilty that i’m not there to deliver this news to them in person. i’ve toyed back and forth between a phone call and a letter. i’ve written many letters. and i’m just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or experienced anything similar.