when I was 4-5 I was molested by our neighbor back in Guyana .. my mom was a single mother and dad was not in the picture.. I don’t blame my mother as she was working day and night to feed me and my sister I thought that the neighbor was just being very nice and helping her taking care of me ..

fast forward 5 years am now 10 years old and we’ve moved to Canada my dad sponsored us but when we arrived he had another woman and child .. and didn’t wanted us. He didn’t wanted my mother anymore and didn’t fight for my sister and I .. my mom who’s not well educated in a new country all alone fell for the sweet talks of an Indian ( Punjabi ) guy who promised her a better life ..

this lead to 6 years of abused and tortured by this guy .. he would beat my mom & me .. and would threaten us if we tried to leave or tell anyone .. I can go into details of all the abuse but that’s going to take too long ..

anyways am 16-17 now and started to have flashbacks of the abuse and molested which had always had an affect on me … I am addicted to porn ( gay & straight ) I found out about Craigslist and started to meet up with guys ( mens) older then me and was mostly for oral .. all this was happening on the down low ,

I was 17 and invited a man over to my place when my mom and sister was out, we agreed to oral only .. him giving me .. but when he came over 1. He was much older then what he said .. 2. Insisted that I have to suck him off too when I said no he kind forced me to suck him .. then he was doing poppers ( didn’t know about it at that time ) and he got very rough .. and push me on the bed and fucked me .. (raped me ) I was crying the whole time telling him no ! He didn’t cared , he finished up and left .. I was so scared ,

for my family and friends I’ve always portrayed this straight macho guy and trust me you would never be able to tell that I was also into guys .. this made it even harder to ever thinking of sharing my feeling or even to say anything about the rape.

Now am married with my wife and have kids .. I had thought that marriage would suppress my urges for sex with men but it didn’t .. of the course of my 13 years of marriage I’ve cheated on my wife countless times .. she caught be on Snapchat chatting and sending videos to guys. Which lead me to come out to her and tell her that am bi ..

she a village girl grown up with a very different mindset then the modern life style of Canada forgive me but also told not do it again and to not cheat on her .. she basically told me to not talk about my sexuality again and no to bring it up and to be satisfied with our marriage.. I don’t blame her I get it ! It’s just that we don’t have much sex .. and now with the kids there’s weeks and month where we don’t have sex …

trust me I want her ! But her sex drive is low compared to mine and well the temptation is just too accessible to resist.. I figure that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her .. am careful and on prep, hook up are mainly orals ( I consider myself a top ). If I do sex with a guy it’s with protection..

for the peace of our marriage this is what I decided too do as I know she would not agree to an open relationship and divorce is not an option for us ( family and community).