Recently I was talking with a very good friend of mine and I talked about how I was struggling with stress and she is Muslim and recommended I download this app with these sounds that she said would help.

She said I should screen share so she could instruct me on how to download them. After I forgot to stop screen sharing and opened my email, not realizing there was a Reddit alert in my email that mentioned lgbt movies, it was second to last on my page but it caught her eye and she transition the convo and said I’m going to ask you this question are you ready and I said what she said I saw your screen you forgot your on screen share. I said don’t ask and hung up.

I don’t want to come out and am not ready or in the right place to deal with such a monumental shift. This friend has also said a lot of things about gay people and her sister who is bi she told to only date men to have an easier life. She also makes jokes about gay men a lot.

Then the next day a new friend of my said “are you gay I never asked” and I was like ummm and she said we are friends and to get out of the dancing situation and not have to say I’m completely gay I said I don’t know maybe both. She was cool about it. But still I don’t want to come out to people like that especially older friends who I have strong long relationships with.

But people at school keep asking if I am gay, this used to happen when I was younger and I though since I had masked it but I guess I got used to being alone during covid and now things like my interest are telling. The issue is people in one of the communities for my racial groups clearly make it a negative and also when some girls don’t know me just know of me in passing they start to form crushes and when they start to suspect or meet me they loose interest in being even friends and this keeps happening.

I want to get certain thing in order before I come out if I do, so that I can not have a mental issues form people reaction. But now I guess I must learn how to mask it again.

Also I don’t know if I’m gay or bi, I think I’m probably pansexual based on my wide variety of attraction.