My apologies as I'm unsure if I'm in the right place, but here goes as I'm really not sure where to turn, but NEED to start.

I'm a 46 married male and have self explored some toys in secrecy. I've bought toys, used them a time or two, and toss them after feeling terrible about myself.

I've never done anything with a same sex partner or cheated... But I've struggled with the fantasy of seeing my partners (current and former wife) having sex with someone else. The past few years, I've really considered how much I'd love to go down on them while doing it, and even be submissive to both.

Today I was listening to a book on trauma (The Body Keeps The Score) and was hit with an emotional bomb when the author talked about shame being completely normal when experiencing things that feel good sexually when someone has been the victim of sexual trauma... I had suspicions of being assaulted as a young child with one episode about 25 years ago of a repressed memory surfacing when I was falling asleep that surged me awake and into a full-blown panic attack (my only one and only experience like that).

I know "find a therapist" is the best path and I'm working on it... Thanks to the medical system for being screwed up and having mine get fired and leaving me high and dry with stupid long waiting periods to find another.

I guess I'm just really trying to find someone who's willing to share if this sounds like their experience or has some wisdom to share.

Thanks in advance. -DsD