Interesting how everyone’s got their own lense to live this life. Own path, sometimes I wonder why I can’t find out what my lense is telling me. I’m convinced I’m destined for failure in this life. Which is crazy when I think about how I was as a child. Afraid of life but yet so eager to start living it and doing it. Not sure where that passion or ambition went but I run for it at times. I feel so much resistance through my own self sabotage by living a life I haven’t told a soul about. Am I a bad person for having unconventional sexual interests/ urges? I don’t hurt anyone or have the urge to hurt anyone else. I still love the people around me and people I see everyday. I want to do good, yet the shame in hiding that life won’t let me feel like I’m a good person. Or do I just need a good woman by my side to open up too? If only I was more attractive to have more options in partners in this life. I had a child with a woman that was way above my typical playing field. She obviously left me over time. Did I have a kid with her with the intentions of not letting her leave me? Did I even fail at that? I love my son, I couldn’t open up to her at all about my hidden side. Are the Christian preachers right? Do I have the demon of lust in my ahora? I want to know I don’t know the path Is it Jesus? Or another vehicle to the other side? I really just urn for the energy, passion, and ambition to change my life Yet I don’t trust myself.

Why?

can I do this? * I don’t wanna commit and fail like I been doing my entire life*

im lazy and in focused, can’t maintain consistency

if i can just lose weight it’ll kick start the transformation

eh you’re alright that’s too hard you can do everything else with out it (lie I tell myself)

Just a few short thoughts that are in my mind constantly

I get burst of motivation but it’s always short lived?

Where is my discipline for those days I don’t have motivation?? Too late to blame my parents

I have to show up for my son

If I know the answer why am I not starting?? You’ve stopped and started so many times, why’s this time different??

FACK

Help me…. Lord, Jesus, allah…. Show me the way?

If it really just me…. I’m scared

For myself and for my son’s future. I need to show up in life to ensure he has a guide…. But when will I stop making excuses.

Fucking bastard.

This entire rant started because I’m doing lines of coke on a weekday in my room at my parents house. No one knows…. But is this the life I wanna live? Fuck this Learn to say no

No to drugs, friends that won’t go with you, wasting time , learn to say no.

I’m still scared

How much do you love X?