Forgive me if this is all over the place. My mind is kind of just racing and thinking a thousand things per second. If I don’t post this now, I’m unsure if I will be able to get much sleep. Anyway… here goes.

So a couple days ago, a family member moved back with us because of some problems he had in a past relationship, as well as some issues regarding money. Since 2016, he was living up north. Today, he thought he’d try to prepare some food following a recipe he learned back in his prior home. Of course, he wasn’t really happy with the fact that some seasonings were missing and that my parents did not organize some things properly. Understandable so far. Honestly, I organize the kitchen table and other parts of the house only to see it become a mess again. So I can definitely understand why he’d feel inconvenienced.

At some point, he asked me what I do around the house (the situation with the kitchen caused him to be feel disappointed and ask me such a question). I told him, and apparently it just wasn’t enough to him (despite the fact that some of those chores are things that my parents greatly appreciate due to their work schedules). It became a conversation of… multiple things. Regarding getting jobs and other semi-related topics. We had agreements and disagreements, and at some point I brought up how I never want to, in my own words, throw away my life for stupid parenthood. He could understand some of my views… but there’s one in thing he said that I just cannot stop dwelling on.

I made the mistake of bringing up how despite the fact that I really… REALLY do not want to become a father, I keep having these horrible thoughts trying to tell me that parenthood is not so bad. I’m hindsight, I should not have brought that up. I can’t even remember why I did. It just happened. And so the thing he said that I cannot stop thinking about is how he said that, "It means that deep down, you do actually want to at some point."

How could you come to THAT conclusion?! Do you want to know why I have those thoughts? It’s not because "deep down I do actually want to be a parent." It’s because of the fact that parenthood is SO ingrained in our society. To the point that the parenthood lifestyle is advertised in nearly every. Single. Type. Of. Product. It’s really not even just products. Parenthood is everywhere. You are going to see it in some shape or form whether you like it or not. And so, I kind of feel, in a sense, a sort of guilt. I really shouldn’t be. But somehow… I am.

I know I’m only 22 and that I likely have a long life ahead of me, but… I feel, personally, that I have already suffered so much that I do not want my ideal view of a happy future to be compromised because of parenthood.

Perhaps I’m overreacting to the sentiments of that family member. But I just I fucking can’t. I just did not need to hear that (as well as other things brought up). Not when just a few months ago, I had to end a friendship. Not when just a few months ago, my dog, who I spent my life with since I was eight-years-old, passed away this year.

All I can really say is that we didn’t get through to each other, and I personally feel like he doesn’t understand the frustrations of someone who is:

1.) Nervous about getting COVID due to the fact that I have asthma, resulting in me being one of the most vulnerable groups likely to get infected.

2.) Cannot live with the fact that I have to throw away so much of my life as a wage slave for a bunch of rich assholes who don’t give two shits about the common person.

3.) Still coping with the loss of an online friendship.

4.) Still coping with the loss of my dog who I spent 14 years of my life with.

5.) Lives in a world where people on the autism spectrum (such as myself) are still heavily misunderstood and must mask themselves in a predominantly neurotypical society that will deter us from obtaining even a semblance of happiness if we do not behave like "normal people."

6.) Fears that he will change his mind about being childfree and therefore will never be able to live the life I want.

I’m unsure whether if I’ve made the mistake of looking like a victim in some way due to all of these thoughts I’ve just written down. I just really needed to let this all out. Are my insecurities and frustrations justified?

Gonna go to sleep now. I will be checking up on this post later in the daytime. Again, I don’t think I can stress enough that I just really needed to vent. I have no one in my life who I can truly turn to about this stuff.