Hello CF, I need some words of people who understand my point of view. I have been thinking of getting a sterilisation for about 1,5 years now. I've been on various methods of birth control (pill, copper IUD, condoms, more pills), and they've all had bad side-effects in different ways.

CONTEXT: Ever since I was little, I was always an outcast. My parents always treated me as 'different from the rest' or 'abnormal' and I've carried that with me my entire life. I still feel like I constantly need to prove I am just as good as any 'normal' person. I've had a shit childhood (mom died when I was 6), horrible teenage years (just bad parenting overall), and I've been No Contact with my dad for almost a year until recently. I've had a ton of therapy and know very well how I would NOT want to parent, if I ever would. I have a clear understanding of what I've missed, and would like to offer that to the next generation, but again, I could do that as an aunt or teacher as well.

ONTO THE THING: I've been sitting with the idea of sterilisation for a while and had some feelings about it. When I sat down and put them into words, this came out:

I envisioned/fantasized about having kids as being able to make things right. To show (myself and others?) that I could do it all, that not only was I competent, I was good at life. I would parent with love and understanding, while treating myself as a human with her own needs and time, not just a mother who does nothing else but parent. I would listen, advise and support my kids so much. I would empathise with them and leave them free in their choices, while giving them the security and support I never had. I would do it all and be good at it. I would show that you could have your cake and eat it too.

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Taking away my option to be a (biological) mother would mean that I would never get the oppurtunity to 'beat them at their own game', to show that I am compentent and worthy and good at life in the conventional way.

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I've done most things in life unconventionally, and it has served me well. But it always feels 'not good enough' because people can't/don't understand it, or judge it, and then don't see the worth of it in my identity. I would be 'different', and that meant being 'less than'. I am afraid that making this decision means I forever doom myself to the 'unconventional' corner, making me always feel 'less then the conventional people'.

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Trying to prove your self-worth is an awful reason to have a child. I know I need to work on feeling worthy and competent from within. Being a good parent does not make you any better at being human than someone without children. I do not need to walk the conventional path of motherhood to be a worthy, happy, competent, strong human being. Yet the thought of sterilisation is hard to deal with. I think of it with both joy and sadness.

So, does this sound familiar? How do you deal with wanting to be child free but always having had it in your future vision because of some ulterior motive for yourself (proving self-worth in my case)? If I think about it rationally, I can keep coming up with reasons why I genuinly don't want a kid, yet the thought of sterilization makes me sad because then I can never prove myself in a way my parents (or people like them, or 'the world') would understand. They would never see me as 'normal' or 'competent'.