I hope this is the right subreddit to post this in, but I really REALLY need to get this off of my chest.

So, I'm just a few weeks shy of turning 18, and ever since I was a little girl, I knew I didn't want kids. While I knew a bunch of other little girls that loved playing with baby dolls, I was never really drawn to them. I just sorta knew I didn't want to bring life into the world. And I was always okay with this - I didn't feel like I'd be severely lacking something if I didn't have my own kids.

Though I didn't want my own, I knew I wanted to adopt a kid (probably just one). There are so many kids who don't have a loving home, and the world's population is already sky high as it is, so I just think adopting a little one who needs a home is better than me pushing out a kid just to have the weird "I made this" satisfaction that most parents have. And despite being a girl myself and coming from a matriarchal family (six relatives including me, only two are men), I'm scared to have a daughter. I can't really explain why I feel this way, but I've felt like this as long as I can remember. Since age 6, I knew I'd want to have a son and name him Oliver.

While one of my reasons for not wanting to get pregnant is the fear of having a girl (let me stress, there's NOTHING wrong with having a daughter! all life is precious, but I know that I myself would just personally be afraid to have one), this isn't the main reason. I'm also afraid of being pregnant is general - I've read too many stories of women who died in childbirth, and I'm sorry, but I don't wanna go out like Queen Jane Seymour. Plus, I'm only 5 feet tall, so I'm worried that might affect my pregnancy in some way. In addition, my parents are divorced. I've always lived with my Mom cause Father was an abusive asshole (I haven't seen him since I was 4, hardly remember him). I know Mom didn't mean to scar my views of childbirth/parenthood, but since I was about 9, she's told me that my Father stopped loving her when he saw her giving birth to me. So, thanks Mom.

Speaking of my Mom, she's the entire reason I made this point. Don't get me wrong - I love my Mom and couldn't ask for a better parent. She's sacrificed so much for me to give me a good life, and I'll always be grateful for that. Plus, she's the person I go to when I need someone to talk to. But, when it comes to this, it's just...different.

We were talking about kids a few weeks ago, and I told all this to her. Keep in mind, she's also always wanted to adopt, just remember that for later. First she says I'm just a kid, so what do I know? I'll change my mind when I find the right man. I said my future husband will be in agreement with me on this, and he'll understand and respect my choice/boundaries. She said that he'll change his mind, and that I'll have no choice but to comply. I restated what I said before, and said that what she said sounds really freaking messed up. Her response? Well then, you'll never be able to find a man, and you'll never have sex. Ah yes, because you can ONLY have sex to make kids (NOT). Mom, the mental gymnastics you took to reach that is unbelievable. Plus, are you serious? "I'll never find a man." You do know there's guys who don't want kids and are okay with it, right?

She continues, and pulls out the good old God card. "Well, the Bible says multiply". Sure Mom, that was when there was like, two hundred people on Earth in contrast to the 7.5 billion people today! Society isn't going to crumble and God isn't going to hate me if I don't have children.

She keeps on throwing out stupid excuses, till she said something that really hurt me; "Where did I go wrong in raising you so that you'd be thinking like this? Am I really that bad of a parent?" Let me tell you, I didn't know how much it'd hurt to be told that there's something off about me just because of how I don't want kids. My heart goes out to those who've been through the same of worse.

She says how it doesn't matter if the kid is adopted or my own, she'll love them just the same. I tell her off saying she isn't acting like it. She says when I meet a good Christian man, I'll adopt, but I'll also have my own to make him happy (this is not the first time she's done this. There are other beliefs I have that she says will vanish when I settle down, just so I can make the guy happy).

I really envy some of my guy friends; I know a lot of them who've told their families they don't want kids, and everyone's fine with it. But as soon as I say I don't want them, people think there's something wrong with me; cause obviously, what girl doesn't want to be a mother, right? I know this isn't the case with all men and women, this is just what I've experienced in my own circle.

I may change my mind (who knows), but considering I've been like this since around ages 4-7, I think it's unlikely. I'm so sorry if this is too long, I just really had to get this off my chest. It's been eating at me for weeks and the person I consider myself to be closest to treats me like I'm a freak when I tell her my opinions. Thanks for taking the time to read all this, though.