TW FOR MENTION OF SA

does anyone else not want kids either completely or partially based on trauma? I had a really rough childhood and I know that if I had a kid, there would be resentment because they would have the childhood I never had and I know I won't be able to fix that. people say "go to therapy," I have, I'm in therapy. My therapist agrees that having kids would be terrible for my PTSD. We have both come to the conclusion that while I would do absolutely anything to make sure my kid has the best childhood possible, I would feel resentment the entire time. if I know how to avoid giving a kid a terrible and traumatizing childhood, why didn't my own parents know? We've also discussed how my history with sexual abuse and extreme phobia of pregnancy due to said trauma would make carrying my own child or being around my partner who is carrying said child would make my mental well-being bad.

luckily, I've been on birth control since I was 11 and have fertility issues but the fear still stands. what if the %1 chance of getting pregnant DOES happen? I don't like sleeping with men but I've been assaulted before. I in a place where abortion is getting essentially banned and they fight incredibly hard to make sure people assigned female at birth can't get sterilized. I have many other reasons why I don't want kids (money, the world sucks, I don't really like kids, If they're biologically mine they'll probably get my genetic disability) but the what if and knowing no one where I live would want to help me if it did happen is scary. I don't want kids but I also don't want a kid going into the foster care system. the foster care system mistreats children so often.

I know its highly unlikely I'll get pregnant but the thought of having a kid makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I would do whatever I can to make my child have the best life possible but I know for the rest of my life I'll be thinking "if you can make their life good, why didn't anyone try to make MY life good"