Did that title grab your attention? Did morbid curiosity bring you here to see what this guy’s whole ass train wreck of a story is? Then welcome! I’m glad you’re here.

Here’s the classic run down: - 44 M. I’m 5’9” and have what can only be called a “Dad bod in transition”. I was a former gym enjoyer before life and kids. I’m working on it, perhaps you can help motivate me? I could use a spot - I am legitimately a “Daddy”, but only my kid calls me that so you will just have come up with a spicy name of your own for me (bonus points for originality, I myself like “Handsome B. Wonderful”, or “Sexy Bitch”). - Solid ass career. I break so much shit at work that only I know how to fix. Some people call it “sabotage”, I call it job security. - Totally married. I mean, SO, so married.

And that’s where the red flags come in.

    I am in the very early process of a pretty complicated divorce. My wife and I still live in an apartment together until our lease is up mid ‘23. Once there is a custody agreement in place I will be free to move out. But until then, in order to increase my chances of getting shared custody of my little homie, we are living in the same house. This makes me hosting for any sort of meeting or get together impossible. 

But that’s ok, because I don’t have the time or desire for that shit anyway!

What I like about you! - Busy AF. I mean, hella busy. You don’t have time for dates right now and dammit you like that! I’m not in a position to be dating right now. The initial part of any relationship with anyone crazy enough to respond to this will be via text, chat, and messages. Dating will have to be sporadic, and infrequent until further notice. - Workahollic. That’s hot. You have a career and dammit you like that! I’m as self sufficient as parenting allows, it would be cool if you were the same. You can build a sweet ass home if the foundation is doubly enforced. Or some shit like that, I don’t know, I don’t build houses - Have very tempered expectations. Full disclosure, I have a knack for hitting it off with people. Damn you charisma!!! Why must thou burden me so!!! While we may hit it off, you can’t want to rush into anything - You’re somewhere between 30 and 45. I prefer to keep it no more or less than 10 years age gap. But people are an interesting bunch, if you blow me away at 25 or 55 I’m willing to hear you out - 420 friendly, you don’t have to smoke, just don’t care if anyone else does

My type varies, but I find myself mostly attracted to alt aesthetics. I like tattoos and piercings. Multicolored or vibrant dyed hair. Metal girls have my heart, but I also LOVE simple and toned down “girl next door” types. I also find myself fawning over girls with glasses. It’s so stupid, I know. Your vision impairment just does it for me? I guess?

You should totes contact me if you: - Want to explore companionship, in spite of your busy schedule, knowing there is zero pressure to meet - Or you have no problem waiting - Or you aren’t looking for anything serious at all right now, and are content with any of the common variety of situationships with a stellar solid ass dude

So yeah, that’s my story omitting all the messy details. I mean, we have to have SOMETHING to talk about when you message me.

I have photos for after we exchanged at least a couple of messages, but I promise I’m cute. My mom said so and my aunts all agreed