I posted last night looking to give a blowjob. I’m straight, but I’ve always wondered, you know? I’m a dominant, masculine male, but I’m artsy with a lot of platonic female friends. I had a couple weird experiences in my early teens with male friends that came onto me, which I think is probably pretty normal, and I always stopped their advances, but it left feeling like I was missing out or something. I grew up and have a couple quirks to my sexuality that aren’t all the way straight exactly, but don’t involve me physically touching other men or even being around them.

A few years ago I was on a rare trip alone in a town I wouldn’t be going back to, and got pretty drunk. I decided that was the night to get over any regrets or explore it or whatever, and ended up downloading Grindr, talking with someone, and inviting them to my hotel. He smelled like cumin and I didn’t like it. I sucked his dick until he had a weak orgasm. I’m could tell he’d jerked off right before he came over. It did nothing for me.

Fast forward several years. I’ve had no sexual contact or tried to have sexual contact with a guy since then. I suddenly get dick on the brain bad. It’s all I can think about. It’s not even turning me on, it’s just this thing I’m compelled to do. I convince myself that I just didn’t find a good match before, and I should try again. Maybe I’m not good at feeling reverence or submission, and I need to explore that. Maybe I’m secretly gay and have locked it so deep down it’s hidden from me, but it’s what’s ruined all my romantic relationships. I didn’t really want to follow through, but took the first step anyway.

So I posted here. I was window shopping, and didn’t fully expect to leave my house. I felt like if I indulged the thoughts, they’d go away. And lemme tell ya, about 100 dudes all convinced me that not following through was a great idea. So many people with 0 communication skills. That’s what I get for posting on Reddit.

Then I get a response from a nice person who is clean and very big. They’re not far, and seemed nice. I let myself go. It was basically the perfect scenario, exactly how I imagined, down to how he wanted me positioned. It was too perfect to pass up.

The first 10 seconds were a bit of a rush. I felt like I was breaking so many rules and letting myself explore new territory. I thought I was getting to know myself. But then I realized that I just hated it. It just didn’t feel good or right. When I go down on a girl the smell and taste turn me on so much, but the smell of this (very hygienic) dude made me nauseous, just like last time.

He tried to get a little rough and at one point stuck his fingers down my throat. Was very respectful of boundaries when I made them clear, but the whole experience totally solidified that I am not at all into guys. At one point he goes “oh shit you are actually straight.” Oof. He insisted on giving me a blowjob, which felt great! But I had to close my eyes and think about a girl I like to cum. Went home, took a shower and brushed my teeth like crazy because the feeling of my mouth made me gag

Glad I did it! I was sober living out my best case scenario. That’s what life is all about, I guess. Now I now for sure, which is kinda liberating. I actually feel more confident now that I’m past the gross feeling.

Seriously dudes, learn to type full sentences, it’ll help you a lot.