Watford Chelsea

Matchday 26

05 February 2018

Kick Off: 20:00 GMT

Venue: Vicarage Road

Referee: C. Pawson (Replaced by Mike Dean)

Links

🎩 Magic Hat Thread

Discord Server

Match Facts

• Chelsea are unbeaten in 13 matches against Watford in all competitions since a 1-0 Premier League defeat in September 1999.

• This will be both Watford and Chelsea's first fixture on a Monday since they played out a 4-3 thriller in May last year, won by Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

• All three of Chelsea's Premier League goals at Vicarage Road have come in the 80th minute or later - a 92nd-minute winner by Salomon Kalou in 2007, and goals by Michy Batshuayi and Diego Costa in 2016.

Lineups

Watford

• Starting 11: It's in the lineups thread. Richarlison is starting. That's what you really wanna know. Also, some kid named Deulofeu. Ok fine... it's here: Karnezis, Mariappa, Prödl, Holebas, Janmaat, Zeegelaar, Capoue, Doucouré, Deeney , Deulofeu, Richarlison

• Bench: Ndong, Gray, Lukakubakio, Carillo, Benchman, Pereyra.

Chelsea

• Starting 11: Courtois; Azpilicueta, David Luiz, Cahill (c); Moses, Bakayoko, Kante, Zappacosta; Willian, Hazard, Pedro.

• Bench: Caballero, Rudiger, Emerson, Drinkwater, Fabregas, Hudson-Odoi/Odoinator, Giroud (LOL. BENCH).

Match (18 )

• Hello lads, I'll be your host today. My name is Kahye. This is going to be 18 cuz why the f*** not? Team is already in the stadium by now, doing some stretching. Giroud looking dazzling and we're praying for a win. Hooray.

• Sky Sports using FIFA Graphics to do the analysis of the Liverpool - Spurs match. Lol. You go lads. Anyone really understand Carragher? Like really? Be honest.

• Just realised Rooney's there as well. It's pretty funny to hear both Carragher and Rooney talking to each other. It's like Shrek and Donkey together. Except it's harder to comprehend and a lot less funny.

• Watford bench is Bachmann and Lukebakio. Just thought Benchman and Lukakubakio was better for the both of them.

• I saw the Superbowl yesterday. Patriots messed up. That guy named Brady at 40 still one of the best. There's this backup QB that played for the Eagles apparently and he had balls of steel to play that game the way he did. Congrats. But my point is, it's nice to finally watch some real football and with less ads all over the damn TV. RIP to those watching on NBCSN. Too much of that "Ron, right here Ron, this is the kind of play that makes me happy to watch this great game of soccer brought to you in parts by Gatorade and UFC 2018. Last week, I even took some Powerade shower and then dipped my buttocks in a Mars bar. Hallelujah. This Chelsea goal brought to by Gazprom" (Gazprom is a russian oil company if you didn't get that one.)

• I highly suggest using a recording of this analysis by Rooney and Carragher. Puts me right to sleep. There's beauty in that. Not much beauty elsewhere in terms of what you see right now on your screen.

• Making fun of Rooney's looks when a wild Troy Deeney appears on the screen. Fucking lol.

• 0" And here we go

• 1" Antonio chants all around the stadium from the Chelsea away supporters... to ... support Conte. Like true supporters ought to. Let's go boyyysss!

• 2" My stream died. Thank god it's back. Didn't want to get on NBCSN.

• 2" Dangerous hold of the ball by Thibaut as he gets pressed by a Watford player. Boots it out of play.

• 3" Fuck it, I'm on NBCSN. :(

• 3" Watford players ask for a penalty for a handball. Not given. Rightfully so, we'd have torched Gary Cahill somehow again for this. Or even Bakayoko.

• 5" Bakayoko misses a pass. Falls to Deulofeu in a dangerous position and Thibaut comes out. Not of the closet just from his goal. Oh and he got to the ball.

• 6" Freekick to Watford in their own half. Long ball to Deeney near our penalty box. Nothing comes of it. Both teams start heading the ball around....

• 7" Bakayoko receives the ball tries to boot it but hits a Watford player and the ball falls kindly to the Watford player who shoots it wide. Fucking lol. Thank the lord or we'd have torched Bakayoko.

• 8" So you'll notice I'll keep saying Watford player cuz don't care for their names but Deulofeu gets the ball and shoots it directly on the side netting instead of crossing.

• 9" Another shot from Watford this time from the Richarlison kid we've been checking out very intensely. Nice kid. Good dribbling skills. Missed his shot though. RIP.

• 10" Great corner from Watford. Deeney wide open all alone on the side of the net. Misses it. Ball out of play. But what the fuck defence? You're supposed to cover him. Our players are at a bake sale whilst the game is going on.

• 11" Willian takes a shot. LOOOOLLLL. If you know me, you know I am laughing right now and angry at the same time. I look terrible with this paradoxical facial expression.

• 12" I want to say it now as our away supporters are still loud. We are terrible. Watford on the front foot here. I've visited poor countries where headless chicken played better football.

• 13" Are people reading this? I am gay. Do you care? I hope not. That would make you a homophobe. bitch.

• 15" Watford attacking again and we're watching the sky. Maybe hoping for a shooting star to wish for a win? Might be a play here if things keep on.

• 16" Zappa with a quick throw in to get things started but Pedro loses the ball as Hazard watches on. ETERNAL SORROW.

• 17" Watford get a corner here but they mess it up and foul Pedro (?). We get a freekick. Thankfully they didn't cross it to our players or we'd have conceded if it was anywhere near their previous corner.

• 18" We are soaking pressure. Except this wet towel harder than a brick and not much soaking happening.

• 20" Dropped my phone. Screen is fine. Thanks for caring. Meanwhile, we are starting to attack a bit. Willian and Moses working the right side.Kante crosses to Zappa on the left and it goes out. Eh.

• 21" I go into the match thread and read obscenities aimed at Bakayoko and I come back up here to enjoy my own private entertainment. You guys are assholes. Calm down. Read this instead. Entertain yourselves. Y'all are so mad and full of anger. Damn. Have some peppermint tea or something.

• 22" Have you guys ever noticed how when Cahill gets the ball he tries to look forward as if he's about to make the best pass of the year and then passes it to David Luiz? Oh wait, that's exactly what happened. GENIUS.

• 24" Ok fine. Fuck you. Yes, Bakayoko is not having a good game cuz he lost the ball there but give him some chance. He will become good... eventually. For now, let's focus. Let's get a win no matter what. Watford get a free kick cuz Bakayoko gave that freekick. But he heads it out. Good play. Good job! Oh ... it's another Watford corner.

• 25" BAKAYOKO FUCKING CLEARS. WHERE THE FUCK ARE U ASSHOLES NOW HUH? BICH. Oh... another Watford corner.

• 26" BAkAYOKO CLEARS AGAIN!!! WHAT A BEAST!!! .... Fine. It was Courtois this time. Still, Bakayoko played that pretty damn well by giving Courtois space.

• 27" Watford about to Iceland their throw in but then go short and a cross that Courtois grabs easily.

• 28" Ball catches Moses' sidearm in the box, Pedro takes a shot that hits the sidebar. Moses' touch called handball. Fuck.

• 29" Someone asked me how I am doing. I am good thank you for asking. Trying to hustle you know? It's all about that fucking grind.

• 30" RIP. Bakayoko gets a red card second yellow card. I blame Courtois.

• 31" Ok check it, he's walking out and maybe supporters booing him? He barely touched the other player to be fair. It's not that bad. Some refs wouldn't give a second yellow for this. Honestly. Also, I just realised I missed his first yellow. Turns out, I am a poor host. Fuck you too.

• 33" Ok there's a huge fucking ad on the timer. Like why the fuck you do that NBCSN? I'm trying to do updates and I need the stupid fucking timer.

• 33" Anyway, good news! it's still 0-0.

• 34" Willian off for Fabregas. I know you guys think I got a stiffy here but I don't. I am annoyed. We could've used Willian in this game. Yes, I said that. Sue me.

• 35" Shot from Richarlison (?) Courtois grabs it easily.

• 35" Moses defends and kicks ball out of play. Well done there. Richarlison was going for the same ball. Someone could've been injured. Everyone is fine except my heart. I am depressed. This team sometimes just breaks me apart. I am a mess.

• 36" SYKE! I love myself and I;m great. Oh wait -- Ref went to go talk to Conte who seems very agitated. One of the staff members comes over and I thought he was going to calm down Conte but he yells at the ref instead. Well played, sir.

• 37" Conte still displeased. Watford have the ball and are passing it around better than we have recently. Oh. That hurt your feeling? Me too, kid. Me too.

• 38" Kante gets the ball makes a pass to a wild Hazard who is offside but then Zappa thankfully runs and gets the ball. Nothing happens. We recycle the ball backwards.

• 39" HANDBALL by a Watford player yo ref wtf you fucking bald fucking cunt the fuck? yo. bitch. get here and give a yellow to him. fuck. It wasn't in penalty box.

• 40" Watford get the ball in the Chelsea penalty area and Courtois gives away a penalty. Not sure it was a pen though. Seemed like a dive. But I am biased.

• 41" Caballero intensifies.

• 42" GOAL TROY DEENEY (it's easy for him. he's so ugly. his face is distracting to any goalkeeper).

• 44" (?) I cant' see the timer cuz there's an ad. We need Giroud. Hazard centrally isn't working. I think he's had 2 touches.

• 44" Message Vicar13 and tell him to change your flair to "Kahye <3" everyone in support. 1) it will piss him off. 2) fuck that, it will piss him off.

• 45" Capoue takes a shot. Azpi blocks it, goes wide. Corner for Watford.

• 46" Side netting. Moses gets a counter attack and Pedro skies it. We need to remove Pedro and get a striker in (Odoi or Giroud)

• Half time. Gonna go make a sandwich or have a wank. Have yet to decide.

• Half time. Was reading the match thread and now I don't have time for a wank or a sandwich.

• Half time. Fuck, thought I could get a quick rub but then this ad about Subway played and now I'm hungry. Life is a struggle.

• 45" No half time changes. I will put my dick back in my pants. For those that asked update, nothing happened. Just watched it wither in my hand as the Subway ad played and my stomach made a gurgling noise. (JK or not).

• 46" Kante comes back to help in defence. Wait that's Moses... or was that Oxlade? Huh? Perhaps Kieran Gibbs.

• 47" We have 3 CBs on the field. I get it but can we get a striker in?

• 48" As i say this, Giroud gets up to warm up. Giroud is reading my fucking thread lads. Confirmed.

• 49" Watford have the ball. We just watching the sky and sitting back. Also, Watford are pressing high. They are looking for blood like a vampire on the hunt or a team with 11 players and the other with 10. Whatever suits you.

• 50" Struddle? Strudddlelelele? Struddleee? Sttlgglddllgel? gets a yellow for a foul on Hazard. We are attacking and then Moses and a Watford player get a head injury. Both down. Medical team on the field now. I was hoping it was Janmaat so I could use the terrible pun of Moses and JanMet. Get it? Jan.... met? Ok. I'll see myself out.

• 52" Moses is back up. Zeegelaar is still down. Fuck it's hard to come up with a pun for his name (hope he's ok though). He's up! They are showing a shot of the gel on the back of his 'ard 'ead innit? Zee gel ard. ok fine. fuck it.

• 56" We get a spell of possession. We don't do much with it. Much like how I didn't do much with my earlier erection.

• 58" David Luiz yellow card for kicking at Zeegel Aaaarrrr. The pirate from Watford.

• 59" Freekcik from Luiz' challenge leads to a shot from Deulofeu that goes wide but inches away from going in. Much like when I'm looking for the backroute. As I write this, Richarlison takes a shot as well and it goes just inches wide. Much like when I'm looking for the ... oh wait.

• 60" For those curious why there are less updates on the second half. That's cuz I am running out of terrible jokes. That's the sincere truth. This match sucks. I could have been playing Monster Hunter: World.

• 61" Fabregas gets booked for a challenge on Deulofeu in the midfield. A pretty shitty challenge. Pedro is down and holding his back and the medical team is assisting him.

• 62" GIROUDDDDD ON THE TOUCHLINE. HE"S GONNA COME ON LADS. HES PROBABLY WEARING AN ARSENAL SHIRT UNDERNEATH. OWN GOAL INCOMING.

• 63" Giroud for Pedro. I think. I hope Pedro is fine.

• 64" Richarlison off for Pereyra.

• 65" Doucoure shot after our CBs are backing off. Courtois jump saves it.

• 68" We get a corner from a cross from Azpi to Giroud. Giroud gets to it so does a Watford defender. We cross the corner to Giroud who murders a Watford player in retaliation. Watford player gets up fine.

• 71"Capoue shot goes wide. Richarlison is crying on the bench for some reason. I was making a joke but he is crying? Odd. Hope it's not an injury or something else.

• 73" Deeney in a great position for a shot. passes to Deulofeu who shows us exactly why Barcelona loaned him out of their club. Shimmies and then nothing.

• 74" Deeney gets a yellow card for a foul on Hazard. I am like 75% sure of this. There was a nice looking girl in the background for a second. My thought wandered elsewhere.

• 75" We look extremely tired but we're trying to hold the ball more. Which is a good thing? I guess. Pochettino is in the stands. He looks like a homeless Sean Astin.

• 79" Pereyra shot. Courtois saves it. Nothing amazing. Much like the match.

• 80" This match reminds me why I didn't want a "target man". It works now and then but it's not very reliable if the defenders know what they are doing. We are playing hoofball and wingers who cross blindly.

• 81" Great quick passing from us. I know I am saying this right after my previous line but really, that was nice. Fabregas takes a shot but saved. Should have aimed better.

• 82" And back to hoofball.

• 82" HAZARD GOAAAALLLLLL. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GOAL. MY ERECTION HAS RETURNED. I am still hungry though.

• 83" Watford win the ball in the midfield. Deulofeu gets the ball. Only Luiz with him. He takes a shot but thankfully Courtois jumps to save it. Not sure if he touched it though.

• 84" We suck. We fucking suck. Defence falls asleep. WATFORD GOAL. I saw that coming.

• 85" I don't want to shit on Cahill there but he was putting as much pressure on the attacker as a feather can put.

• 87" Deulofeu finds himself in a great position. Takes a shot and it goes in. WATFORD GOAL. Lel. No seriously, lol. It's 3-1 for Watford. You think I am lying? That our defence wouldn't let that happen? You're right. I was kidding (I wish).... they scored.

• 90" I called Subway to ask if they deliver. They said "NAWWW" I said "So, here's the ting right, I was watching Chelsea play. I was in charge of the matchday thread and I wanted to have a wank or a sandwich but I got hungry cuz I saw one of your ads. Now I want a sandwich." He said "I suggest the wank." GG.

• 91" WATFORD GOAL. FUCK YOU SUBWAY. YOUR SANDWICHES SUCK DICK ANYWAY.

• 95" I'm obviously having a laugh to those who don't get it. We are losing 4-1 and I've chosen to laugh it off rather than be a negative fucking idiot. Oh well, I am actually really hungry though. Feel free to send me some food. I am located in the basement of a darkly lit house where it is about to be flooded by my tears.

• 96" Send a canoe as well.

• 96" Giroud takes a shot but misses as it's a hard ball to control.

• FT. Thank you for joining me. Apologies for the terrible jokes here and there. For those that don't understand that I am just havin' a laugh on an otherwise terrible evening, suck my dick.