I am in late 30s, been married for a decade. Was with my now wife since junior year in college. We did long-distance senior year and terms were exclusivity, there wasn't any gray area in that. I knew she spent time with somebody who she said was "just a friend". When we moved in together after graduation, she told me that late spring she got drunk and they hooked up a little, above the waist type stuff that didn't last long. I am a wrathful Capricorn type and took a long time to get over it and forgive but I did. About 5 years later, we got married. 5 years after that started family.

On Friday night we started a discussion about old times and I asked again, she said actually she let him finger her. I had to push hard for information about what else was withheld, and they apparently hooked up similarly in the fall that year in addition to making out a handful of times after parties and such.

So now I feel cucked- her friends from back then have become shared friends and they've known all along. I had a strong instinct there was more going on that year but ultimately had to suppress that and accept what she said as true. Since then I haven't really felt that instinct and I do not believe there has been anything else with other people.

We talked and she apologized, but even 2 days later it seems she expects that all the time-- 16 years--since she played me like this, without having done it again-- should mean something. I just see it as all that time she never told me the truth and let me decide for myself what it meant to us. Our perspectives are miles apart.

Maybe I'll find a spirit of magnanimity and grace and forgiveness or just acquiesce to avoid the disruption-- what can I do, divorce over something that happened years before we were married? Many would probably think that's unreasonable.

I dunno. Just want to put this out there in the world and see if anyone has some perspective on my story.