Been cheated on multiple times by my partner (he’s in his 40s I’m F in my 30s) with photos, timestamps, screenshots- receipts galore. He got mad at ME (?!?) initially because I had a hunch and then went through his phone and confronted him based on what I found (we both share phones openly btw- on HIS urging- and what I found was months worth of info not just the stuff I had a hunch about). That was almost a year ago. He’s been consistently committed and hasn’t been hooking up with anyone behind my back but we had our first swinging experience that wasn’t supposed to be that at all and it triggered me left right to sideways. I am glad he didn’t go behind my back but I’m now just turned off entirely.

So now and my trust is still pretty shot and emotionally our relationship lacks depth and it’s starting to affect my attraction to him which causes him in turn to do a lot more of the heavy lifting in all areas of the relationship. And I feel like I’m “just here”. Not really seeking advice on that, I’m ok with letting things play out. As with the swinging experience, things always reveal themselves.

Now it’s bothering him that I’m not emotionally invested in this relationship and he won’t talk about his needs that I can only speculate on (does he need more variety? is he hurt in some kind of way? does he need more independence overall? does he need newness in romance? is he feeling old and needs a dose of youth?). Instead he denies he has any need in relationships except for me which is so absurdly provably untrue.

Why when someone cheats- if the relationship continues- is the focus then put on the other person?! Like somehow this narrative got warped into me having trust issues and he’s gone from sinner to saved or something? And it feels like he wants me to put my head in the sand which is insulting.

Idk. I don’t like mind games and I’m having a hard time seeing if he’s playing mind games or just so very out of touch with himself and unwilling to do that self work. I don’t write people off, and when it comes to love I firmly believe love is always the answer. Including tough love.

What’s your take redditors? Why do people cheat and then gaslight? Why when they have every possible exit if wanted, when they’ve gone through “the worst of it”, would they still not communicate with their partner? Is he lying to me or to himself? Just looking for the psychology lesson. Don’t desire to fix, don’t desire revenge. My main desire is to neutralize, lend compassion where possible, and know what I need because I’ve become increasingly confused on my own needs.