This is gonna be long so yeah.

I guess I'll start from the beginning, I lost my virginity at a kind of young age (or what I'd guess is young), I thought I was in love but it turned out the guy was just using me to brag and it was his whole "thing." After he and his friends spread it around that I was "loose", it became a whole thing where my parents threatened legal action. The police didn't take it serious but my parents were rich enough to actually do something, so he and his family moved the hell away and when the rest of his friends graduated the bullying stopped.

My issues just began though. I was put into therapy for a short while and when my "stressors" had gone and I didn't exhibit any issues, my therapist deemed I had worked through my issues but he told my parents to keep a close eye in case anything reoccurs or if I have any new issues that need working out. My issue now though was sex.

While other girls were getting into relationships, I began hooking up with quite a few guys. While my city wasn't the biggest, it's super close to a whole load of big cities and guys would literally just drive into the city to hook up then bounce. I met a lot of guys from various social medias just to name a few: Myspace (before it died), myYearbook, Tumblr, Vampirefreaks, Scenekids and I even met a couple of guys from Chatroulette (one of which became obsessed with me), suffice to say I had indeed become "loose."

Most of the time it was just one-time things, but guys I had consistent hookups with were my "boyfriends." I never actually went on dates with them, it was purely just sex but they considered me their girlfriend and I had multiple at one time and would hide them from each other. While I was stupid in many ways during this time, I was never stupid enough to invite them to my place or give out my full name. So once my phone died and I got a new one I would pretty much lose contact with pretty much all of them.

Once VF and SK shut down I started slowing down with my online stuff and after the Tumblr purge I pretty much ceased altogether. Which was a good thing because it allowed me to fully focus on my studies, which was very much needed considering I decided to become a CRT.

During college I didn't really party as much as some would, I had dating apps for hookups and I was never one to go wild on alcohol, drugs etc. Despite my sex life I was kinda still a child at heart and I was blessed enough to travel and go to shows (Mostly Jonas Brothers, One Direction and Taylor Swift) and over the years I've been to a lot of shows.

And at one of these shows I met him, he was a photographer who was pretty successful not just at concert photography, but he was employed by huge publications and agencies for his work. At one of the local shows we got to talking and he was sweet as hell and we had chemistry and once the show was over we went back to my place and had sex. I never came during the sex but everything before and after was "perfect", like he was one of the most romantic people I'd known.

We ended up dating and it was not only the first actual dates I had been on but he was my first actual boyfriend. It wasn't about sex, but it was like the fantasy relationship.

Everything was going great, I was faithful to him and had no desire to stray and 6 months ago he proposed and I accepted. It was super romantic, he took me to Hawaii for the week and at sunset on Lanikai Beach he proposed and I was like halfway between passing out and my soul fully departing my body.

In the beginning of November he was contracted to be one of the photographers for the Eras Tour and I was so excited for him and bummed that I couldn't go with him for it because of work. He told me that he'll be back after the weekend, since he had some other stuff to do and he wouldn't be catching his return flight until late Sunday, I was understanding and thought I'd just be working and then watching my shows.

On the Friday however a friend from HS came into town and she wanted to party. I told her that I was never about that and she knew that, she began teasing me for being a lightweight, an old lady, boring etc until I agreed to come with her since I figured she was going to get blitzed so I might as well come, make sure nothing bad happens and be the designated driver.

When we got to the bar of a club, she pretty much pressured me again into doing shots, I said I would only do two since somebody had to drive us back, she scoffed and called me boring again but we did the shots.

I don't know if the shots were laced or if I'm super lightweight or if I took more but the rest of that night was a blur, I remember dancing with my friend and then a couple of different guys and not being in control, it felt like I had blacked out and was having a super vivid dream. However it wasn't a dream, because the next time I was conscious, I was laying on my stomach but I felt a sensation like I was moving and the more I woke up I realized I was being fucked.

Looking back I should have pushed the guy off and filed a report, however I moved my hips back to push him back so I could grab the headboard of the bed and push myself up onto my knees into doggy and I willingly had sex with him and I came twice. Thankfully he pulled out and came on my back and ass since I was not on birth control (my and my fiancé always used condoms).

After he came he laughed and said we both needed to clean ourselves up and said I could share the shower with him before he would drive me home. Another chance to refuse him and not cheat on my boyfriend again and I didn't take it, we had shower sex for what seemed like forever and then we got dressed and he asked where I lived, I told him that I just needed to go back to the club since my car is there and he agreed.

On the way back to the club he put his hand down my pants and began fingering me and I gave him road head, even to the point where we had arrived back at the club but I was still sucking him, so he parked up and literally fucked my mouth and throat until he came. Before I left he asked for my number and I just ignored him and left the car because guilt had began to set in.

I went back home and cried. My boyfriend later messaged me saying that his flight had been delayed and I just fell asleep for most of the day. When my boyfriend came back he noticed something was wrong because of my puffy eyes and everything and I told him that I was ill. I took a couple days off of work and while I was guilt-ridden, I started masturbating thinking about what had happened and after I cum I get filled with regret/post-nut clarity.

Considering there wasn't much to do since I was supposed to be ill, this happened multiple times a day and eventually something broke and I signed up to one site in particular and a couple of apps and I started hooking up with random men. It wasn't like it was spread out like earlier in my teens, I was fucking multiple men in a day.

And while I had a type/standards, that had all completely gone. I was sucking and fucking almost anyone that showed an interest and were really about meeting and the majority of them weren't my type, were twice my age or didn't even have good dick. I also specified sucking because some of the men were married and wouldn't go beyond oral.

I have no idea what is wrong with me, if it's latent hypersexuality, a prolonged manic episode or breakdown but I know it's not going to end well and I'm frightened about the hurt it will cause, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I've tried deleting the apps and everything but the urge overcomes me.

Even today I have three "dick appointments" lined up and my fiancé is just going to think I'm working late or that I'm at a friend's place again.