So, my husband has DID (Disassociative identity disorder, aka Multiple Personality Disorder). Well, Last week I found Tinder (and numerous other dating apps) on his phone. I was ready to leave. I was going to. But he said one of the other personalities (E) was the one who did it, and E admitted it and apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again. He deleted all the apps and apparently his whole Tinder account, not even just the app. So I thought it was done and over with. But obviously I can't trust him right? So I asked to check his phone. There wasn't anything on Saturday (but I forgot to check his deleted messages).

Well, I ask what all E did (date, kissing, sex, etc.) and he said nothing like that. But I dunno, I just don't feel like he was being completely honest.

So I ask to check his phone again this morning and he was hesitant but let me. Well, he had two texts from Tinder wanting a code to log in from Saturday! And then I check his deleted texts, and there was a text thread he deleted the day I asked him to see his phone (probably right after I asked before he handed me his phone) and I read through the messages and he sent her a fucking nude. So he decided to hide that from me and lie and now I don't even know if he was telling the truth about it being E. I'm just so fucking hurt and broken and I can't even get myself to hate him right now. I hate myself because I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I wasn't being a good enough wife or something so he felt he had to cheat.

I want to leave him so bad. But the thought of doing so hurts just as much as finding out he cheated. And what if I do leave and it really was E? And I lose the man I am so fucking in love with all because of E?

I told myself, and him, that if he ever cheated on me I'd leave. But now here I am, not leaving. And it really hurts. I sent him some texts (letting him know I know about the text thread and his lying) and I'm so scared he's gonna tell me we're getting a divorce when he gets home from work.

I just... I'm so broken right now and am blaming myself and constantly trying to figure out what I did/didn't do to makehim do this to me.