I’m feeling utterly useless and hopeless and … do you ever just think about ending it so you don’t have to be exhausted anymore? Or a burden or useless?

I was a 25%-er for several years. I joke now that I’m a 26%-er because I’ve improved just enough to be bored and do a few things now and then, but one wrong move and I’m back in bed, practically incapacitated again.

I was incapacitated for so many years that I never got on disability. That would have involved doing something when I couldn’t wake up or move.

Now I’m well enough to maybe apply physically, but my mental health hasn’t caught up yet. I can’t bring myself to apply and get yet another denial.

I feel like a piece of crap. People all around me are supporting me just to keep me alive and it is never quite enough. I’m always just short of what I need. It’s always the bare minimum, and I’m grateful to have it.

But I want to be a person again.

Right now I am out of, or almost out of, most of my medications. Many are OTC so I can’t get on a program to help pay for them the way I can with my Rxs. They all keep me alive and out of the hospital, and I’m terrified.

I have no income. Considering sex work bc that’s about all I have to offer right now. I feel like a shitbag.

I can’t off myself bc the kids would be traumatized for life. But I still find myself thinking of ways to make it look like an accident, bc that would be at least a little better.

I don’t plan to hurt myself. I just wish I could. Does that make sense?

I feel like a gaping black hole and I’m drowning.

Thanks for reading. 💜