Venting

I want to die. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve lost everything and I’m just existing as a shell of what I used to be.

I lost my job, my friends, my hobbies, had to drop out of uni. I have no sense of autonomy and my family help look after me but I’m just a burden to them now. I have nothing to offer now. I am nothing now. It’s been nearly two years and I’m just as bad as I was at the start. Nothing has changed. My head still fills like it’s going to explode, and I can’t concentrate/think and my vision is blurry and my heart rate is crazy.

By all accounts I’m not going to get better. This is the rest of my life. It feels like I have brain damage. I have seen a litany of doctors - neuro, psych, psychiatrist, cardiologist, specialist, exercise physiologist, dietician - tried what they’ve said and nothing changes. No one knows anything. No one’s coming to help me. And I have no way to take any control over my life anymore. I just have to endure what 50 more years of this painful meaningless existence? Fucking hell I was 24. I had my whole life ahead of me and now I have nothing.

I will be clear I’m not going to hurt myself I don’t have it in me, but I also just can’t fucking do this anymore. How do I go on? I have nothing to hope for, I can’t dream, I can’t set goals, I can’t try. I have to do nothing all day so I don’t “use too much energy” and pretend like this is living in any capacity. This has been a nightmare I couldn’t even have imagined for myself. I have never felt so powerless, so hopeless.

I wish I could just curl up and die in peace. Anything is preferable to this long nothingness.

I’m mostly venting, but I would love some inspiration/to hear how any of you find peace, or hope, or solace. I just can’t do this anymore.