Totally NSFW rant about how ME has destroyed my sex life and an essential part of my romantic relationship.

Mostly can’t have sex anymore. So now my partner is basically just cooking, cleaning, walking the dog etc for me, and I can’t even put out to say thank you. Not that I have to, I just wish I could. I end up thinking stuff like “wow I can’t even lie here and just be a hole,” and I feel horrible about myself and what my partner is going through by being with me.

And this weekend he got back from a trip and really really wanted to have sex but I just couldn’t. I mean I can’t even get through half a bj, before I crash, so it’s like …. Better not to even bother starting to begin with.

He was really upset. Not at me, just at the situation. Eventually he said something to the effect of, “I feel horrible saying this or even thinking it, and I can’t even believe I’m saying it out loud to you, but right now I just feel like I do all the cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, and I can’t even get some p**sy. And I shouldn’t even be thinking that and it’s awful and I know it isn’t ok but it’s just a feeling I’m having right now.”

We hugged and tried to let go of guilt and just feel love but like … damn. I am right there with him, but hearing him say it out loud was much more painful than the unspoken awkwardness about it. I had to try very hard not to cry. I’m sure he feels like crying too, because we can’t share that with each other like we used to. He deserves to have his needs met, where reasonable and possible, just like everyone else. It just sucks that his needs conflict with my own (for health).

So yeah. I feel useless. I used to be able to at least do that one thing and feel like I was still a partner. Now I just feel like an invalid and a burden, hard stop. And I also feel gross that so much of my self worth is hinged on this. Idk.

Thanks for reading the ramble.

Edit: typo

Edit to add: thank you to everyone who had kind and helpful suggestions and compassion. To those of you who took my vent post as an opportunity to shit on my partner, really? Come on. You know nothing about my relationship beyond this one piece of conversation I’m sharing. Back off. I support that he chose to speak to me about his feelings, and I would have done the same in his position. This is how we choose to have a healthy relationship with each other. I shouldn’t have to spend my energy defending him or my post or my own feelings about my body, in my own vent. Please focus on something else in my post—like the whole point, that I’m feeling bad about myself to not be able to have sex, and it’s a strain for us both. I came here for support, not to be picked on, or let my partner be picked on, and half of y’all are being super crappy. Get it together or gtfo. Be appropriate. It’s a freaking support group.