The next generation of adequate long-term boyfriend is finally here! Check it out!

• Carefully crafted with only the most advanced potato-grade materials!
• Chews and swallows almost anything you feed him! [Warning: For maximum lifespan, please do not feed him toxic or inedible objects. Or bananas. No bananas.]
• Dress him up however you like, regardless of current societal gender norms!
• Infused with hyper-realistic social anxiety for the true human experience!
• Fully poseable up to 40% of the recommended amount for a healthy adult male!
• Really speaks over 20 pre-loaded phrases, including "Oh God, why did you let me eat so much?" and "If you won't tell me what's wrong, how could I possibly know?"!
• Turbo-charged TV-binging action! [To activate, simply loop '90s sitcoms and place on couch.]
• Lights up whenever you take off your shirt!
• Cries real tears over the silliest things!
• Squeaks and squeals at impossibly high-pitched tones in the presence of animals!
• Left-leaning design gives him logical political firepower!
• Put a musical instrument in his hands and watch him try!
• Absolutely fucking terrible at telephone conversations!
• Carefully open him up to see the latest in introversion technology!
• Charge him with hugs and snuggles, no wires, cords, or plugs needed!

Get yours today!

Batteries not included. Accessories sold separately.

** Manufacturer's note: Due to unexpected complications, it seems some of our male designs have developed some excessively feminine traits (in stereotypical terms). If you happen to come across one of these irregular models, you have the option to bond over your common interests (clothing, makeup, etc.), or simply return the defective product for a full refund. Thank you for your patience and cooperation.