Depending on the upcoming election results (jk we're fucked either way), I would say I'm about a month or less away from leaving this vain capitalist hellscape behind and moving out to the woods to subsist on tree bark and pine needles. But I figured I’d give this online dating thing one last shot while I still have Wi-Fi.

I'm a fairly reclusive vegan guy who lives in the Midwest. I mostly enjoy solitary shit like listening to music (my favorite band is deftones, but I like everything from ambient to hip-hop), reading (I read a lot, mostly non-fiction, which is ironic for someone as stupid as I am), thrifting, and taking long, meandering walks (can't run anymore due to plantar fasciitis). I do all of my own cooking and impress myself with the myriad ways to ruin a recipe; I'm equally inept at keeping my many houseplants alive. I like kids and pets but do not have nor want any of my own due to allergies. I may smoke a lil weed at night but barely drink and have never done hard drugs; I'm indifferent to what you do as long as you promise not to steal my TV to pawn off for meth money. I have a job, an apartment and a car—all unimpressive I assure you—but other than that I have largely opted out of the rat race, instead choosing a frugal, bare-bones existence.

I'm interested in anything ranging from online buddies (though I much prefer video chat and phone calls to marathon text convos), to possible romance (long distance is fine as long as you're in the contiguous U.S. or are willing to travel here). Would love to find someone to go to museums and concerts with, and hopefully some road trips or Amtrak rides. It would be nice to meet someone who is vegan too, but that's not a deal breaker as long as I can convert you later (cue evil laughs).

If any of this doesn't completely bore or repulse you, then please drop me a line with a picture (here's mine) and your current favorite song (here's mine). Thanks for your time and consideration.