So my mother is old and ill. Very ill. My sister and I cannot afford assisted living, which is what she needs, and since my sister lives in Europe, it falls to me to move in with my mom to see to her care. It's not the worse thing because the money I could save is insane. But it's not going to be easy on me. This is a woman who *severely\* abused us when we were young. Being around her is still a challenge. It takes a toll. But she is my mother. She did not fail in all aspects of that role, and for the ones in which she came through, I owe her. But honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do this without the support of my person.

But I don't have a person, do I?

I was lonely before this. For two years I've been working on my life since my divorce. I was married for quite a while, and if I may be frank, I loved every second of it. I know life is better with your person, because I've experienced it. So doing life without that for the last two years has been... well, let's just say that while I am technically doing life on my own and surviving and all that, there is no joy, no peace, no sense of belonging to something greater than myself. I'm functioning. And I'm miserable. I miss not having my person.

But how am I to find her? I work a lot out of necessity, and very soon a lot of my free time is going to be looking after my dear old mum. I'm very introverted anyway. Socially awkward. Your typical hermit, in fact. So... that just leaves the internet. And THAT, for now at least, means an LDR.

So how to meet someone online? Fuck the apps. Swipe culture sickens me. It's a meat market. No, Reddit is the only place I know where I can post something like this and know a lot of eyes will see it. So I look here. I post time and time again, always saying something different but essentially always saying the same thing. I'm looking for someone. I have come VERY close two times to finding her. Third time is the charm.

Here's the benefit of the online LDR, as I see it. If you're talking every day, connecting, actually investing time and energy and self, you're building a very solid emotional and intellectual foundation. You're getting to know each other without sex because you have no choice. You can be sexual with each other, but the actual physical unification is delayed. You're therefore FORCED to build a stronger connection than if sex was involved. By the time you do unite in person, that physical connection is going to be a demisexual's dream. Epic as a word falls short.

I want to meet someone who will invest in me with her mind, heart, time, and energy. I will do the same. I want a girlfriend, goddamn it. Someone I can say loving things to before I go to sleep. I sleep better that way. We talk about everything. We trust each other with everything. We watch movies over text and discuss them. We hang out digitally like we would if we were already partnered up in real life. And then, when my mother passes, which she will sooner rather than later, and if we've visited each other in person enough by then to know it's right, I will simply come to where you are. My job is remote, I can do that. There's nothing else here for me after she's gone. And I'll have an inheritance funding a new life somewhere else.

I can't state my case any plainer than this. I've been in the dark days. And now, for the sake of her care, I'm moving in with my abuser. So I have darker days yet ahead. Don't make me do them alone. Please.