i’m 25, and i started testosterone 5 months ago. i haven’t had a whole lot of changes, but i mostly enjoy the ones ive had. having a deeper voice, fuller eyebrows, more muscle, bottom growth. i feel mentally more stable too. i came out as trans to my friends, and asked to go by he/they.

but..it feels weird? to socially transition? i enjoy the physical parts but i still feel so attached to my experience as a lesbian that being referred to as a man and treated like one by my friends feels like larping. and i worry about what transitioning will mean for my dating and social life.

ive wanted to transition since i was 16, and felt very binary. i was always stone and didn’t pursue or consider dating because how closed off from my body i was. then i got older, and i fell in love. then i experienced a woman loving me, as a woman, and it helped me love myself and my body. it changed how i viewed my gender, but then we broke up.

and every relationship since i’ve been put back in this like, hetnormative role of masculine and i don’t really enjoy that so much. i miss the feeling of equality with that first relationship, feeling desired, and worshipped, the way i desire and worship. it didn’t feel so one sided and scripted.

i don’t even know where im going with this, or where im getting at. i just watched love lies bleeding and it reminded me so much of that first relationship. the duality of masculinity and femininity. and how beautiful that was. i’m afraid i won’t experience that again if i transition, then ill be seen as male. which i guess was the goal, but for me the goal wasn’t to be male necessarily, but to feel more comfortable in my body. i just assumed he/him pronouns and social transition is what goes along with that.

idk, at a weird point and having an identity crisis. i thought it might help to hear other experiences.