I (F25) decided on February 2022 that it’s been enough, after multiple year of « okay, i’ll stop eating tomorrow, go to the gym, change my life and be my better version of myself » I’ve taken the decision that it had to stop.

For the little story, I had binge eating disorder since 11 yo, I started purging at 16, balanced between mental anorexia and boulimia since then. Food was always on my mind one way or another, I either think about what I will eat before purging or about what I can’t eat to lose weight, it’s a fucking circle. I’ve quickly became depressed, hated myself, hated others, hurt myself in many ways ect.

I am now a grown person, I’ve quit my mother’s home (which helped significantly) and started to mentally heal, I’ve seek therapy and it helped but not as much as all the thing I’ve read. I took the decision to stop wanting to lose weight, to stop over fixing on my belly, to stop counting calories and stop trying to « eat healthy », to stop judging me and insulting me when I look in the mirror. It was difficult, stoping the purges meant taking weight, and it happened quickly. It was hard for me to get out of bed, impossible to get out of my appartement, i’ve stopped seeing friends and family. Just me, my phone and my profound sadness.

Yes, I took a lot of weight since then, I’ve binge a lot in Feb-July, but I didn’t binge in august and I am no longer that obsessed about food, my body is starting to understand that he don’t need to make reserves anymore because he knows that I will give him food whenever he asks for it, I’m currently not in a crisis state and it’s been years since I felt this happy (I don’t even remember feeling comfort in my body since maybe 8/9 yo !!)

What did it changed ? Well, like I said I took a lot of weight, I weight nearly 100kg (220lbs), (vs 78kg/171lbs in February) and yes that’s a lot, I’ve never weighted this much and it’s not easy I can’t lie, 20minutes ago I had a breakdown discovering new stretch marks on my belly (which I always been obsessed about, dysmorphobia you know 🤪), usually this type of breakdown would have conducted to a sever crisis of binge/purging, but this time.. it didn’t. I took a deep breath, said « well :/ it is what it is » and moved on. When I realised I just did that I was so proud of myself. (I am truly amazing, I love my lil brain and big belly) It also changed the way I see food, It’s no longer just calories and risk of kilograms to me (I still have intrusive thoughts and sometimes I do the math without realising but again, deep breath, « well, it’s okay now, fuck numbers, eat! »). I have discovered TASTE !!!! I love certain food and dislike others, it’s so new to me. I’m also mentally way more stable, I’ve cut a lot a toxic people out of my life, found so many new hobies, I HAVE A FISH NAMED HANDSOMENARUTO and I love him so much ! And I go to the gym to become stronger, not lose weight.

I’ve never learnt to manage my emotion and food was a way for me to have control, I didn’t know why I was sad before the crisis but at least I knew why my belly and feelings hurt after it. When I have too many emotions or conflicted feelings now, I breath, sometimes I eat something, but I do not binge. Sometimes I eat « too much » in the day, but do not purge. Sometimes I feared to feel an urge or a crisis, but realise it’s just me, not knowing what to do with these overwhelming feelings, so I speak to myself and try to understand, sometimes I understand and other times I don’t. Again, « well, it is what it is », I’ve learn that emotions pass through my body anyway and that I didn’t have to act or do something about it.

I know I’m not fully healed, but I’m in remission and I take one day at the time. I tell myself that I love what I see in the mirror, that I have time and will be better each day. I am learning to know and understand me, I’m still trying to connect with myself and learn the concept of inner child. Healing takes time. One thing I never was able to see before and that I can see now is a future where I’m not just surviving but truly living and enjoying life.

I don’t really have advices because there is as many ED as there’s people on earth, but I truly wanted you to know that you can do it, you will survived it. You have to believe in yourself and be kinder, m accept yourself as you are. And most of all, accept help, seek for it even. I don’t know who or what one day made you believe that you didn’t deserve better but if i could i would chase it and burn it for you.

Have a nice day, remember to eat, drink, and breath