I’m 21F, in college and the stress has been building aggressively as of late, but recently a “falling out” with my best friend is just destroying me. I made a really stupid decision to tell my closest friend of years that I had feelings for him that he of course didn’t reciprocate because I am just a mess of a person and now I feel like our friendship is destroyed because of my selfishness. The anxiety and sadness this has caused me is awful. I have been skipping classes, glued to my bed, purging 4-5 times a day. I purged too much one day and the next morning woke up in a cold sweat and vomited a few times unwarranted. My throat hurts so bad and my face is swollen to hell. I have been drinking and smoking to cope, I don’t like to eat anymore. I can’t help but think of how stupid I am. He’s dating or talking to another girl right now and I’m spiraling down the comparison path. I’d give my life for this person, and I fear things are ruined. He was understanding, but how can things now be awkward and weird. I have no other friends. I haven’t spoken to people in days. The loneliness and depression is just crushing me, I haven’t felt this suicidal in a while. We genuinely have planned out our post grad plans and everything together. I haven’t really spoke to him in a few days, I’m losing hope. I wish I didn’t sound so dramatic, I am aware this is a first world problem. I live alone and don’t socialize well so I just don’t have many close friends, some acquaintances but they can be kind of mean towards me when I try to talk about personal problems and that overall becomes more triggering.

edit, still venting: i just have this urge to starve and never eat again. i don’t know why, but it gives me something