Steriod hiccups….didnt know this was a thing. They keep me up at night, they annoying me throughout the day, as if I don’t look pathetic enough with bald spots from chemo and failed attempts at cold capping, now I sound pathetic too. Add that to my dwindling estrogen and rippling uncomfortable expanders.

Chemo was yesterday, I’m taking Dexamethasone day before, day of and day after. Just another thing to add to the list of fun side effects: GI problems, bone pain, serious fatigue, dry skin everywhere, chemo acne, nose bleeds, mouth sores, hair painlessly falling out in chunks, WEIGHT GAIN.

Hiccups should be the last of my worries but they are currently cracking me. And as soon as I get them to go away they’re back. Putting a spoonful of peanut butter on the roof of my mouth helps, as well as drinking from a straw for as long as possible without breathing. But 30 minutes later they’re back again. This shit better be giving me some defined abs.

I have been in a miserable mood since learning I’d need chemo and I just keep spiraling down. My newlywed husband has been great but he’s running out of things to do and say to comfort me. My friends don’t know what to do or say either.

I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but if one more cancer muggle tells me my hair loss isn’t permanent and it will grow back (I didn’t even tell them there’s a small chance it won’t) I will rip the remaining hair out of my head. I know they’re coming from a good place and trying to comfort me but they have NO idea what any of this feels like.

This is hell. That is all.