To start with I love my baby. Obviously.

I have 2 daughters, ages 4 1/2 and 1 1/2, and I’m due with my first baby boy in September, so I’m currently 6 1/2 months pregnant. I’m struggling with feeling disappointed at not having another daughter.

I’m the oldest of 6 kids, there’s only one boy in the family, and all my cousins growing up were girls. So when I think of handling babies and children, my automatic association with it is little girls.

I babysat for a neighbor last year, for a couple months, who had a little boy who was a year and a half, and a 6 year old boy. I just… couldn’t stand them. Like at all. Even the baby, who didn’t do anything wrong I just was like.. annoyed. And I love kids, I don’t dislike kids, and I still offered the best care I could, it was just inward feelings. Maybe it just ruined me on little boys.

And I know that it’s probably not going to be anything remotely like that with my own baby. It just makes me nervous. And I feel so horrible and guilty for that. Even buying baby boy clothes for him I’m like “this is so weird”.

Does gender disappointment in pregnancy have any bearing on postpartum depression? Because I’m worried about that too. Like what if my brain just stops me from liking my baby? Which breaks my heart because I’m a very conscious and attached parent and probably would be considered even anxious.

I just don’t wanna fuck this up somehow. 😔