Very long post, I apologize.

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My heart is shattered. Our marriage almost 2 years ago started out rocky at best, but the pressure from our families, since we were having a baby together (and I was already a single mom), we pressed on. My husband had an extremely traumatic relationship that involved a drug-addicted lunatic losing their unborn baby because she was secretly on hard drugs. It fucked him up. But he wanted a fresh start. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to follow through with his actions. I Needed the security of someone staying after being knocked-up and abandoned at 19, and my daughter wasn't even 2 yet when we got married.

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Now shes 4, our baby is 18 months, and things were good so we stopped preventing and I'm now 4 months along with a little boy. When we first found out we were expecting... I cried. A lot. Not because I didn't want the baby, but because I was so scared of repeating my other two pregnancies of just abandonment an rejection and hurt and stress, and I told him that. And he actually got frustrated with me that I wasn't being excited, like he was disappointed and wanted it to be a happy thing, which I understand. So it took a while but in the last month or so I had really started to come around and let myself get excited, that everything was going to be okay.

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Then he dropped the bombshell that he just isn't happy, he doesn't know how to be happy, if he every could be, and if he even has the capability of loving me the way I deserve. He knows he's lacking as a father, connection, patience, ect. He's just always been so removed. His job has him working out of town very frequently, usually for weeks at a time, and I've done by best to hold down the fort and support him. He says that I've been nothing but a good partner and supported him and loved him well, even when he knows it was hard for me to find it within myself. He acknowledges the selfish aspect of this, but he says he also knows what it's like to be a kid from a marriage that just isn't working (his parents divorced when he was 7, his dad is now on his 6th wife, who is an absolute angel). He said he would make sure we were very comfortable and provided for and wouldn't need to stress about that, because he makes 6 figures now. Were also in the middle of the process for my husband to adopt my oldest daughter, to protect her mental and emotional health from a wishy-washy deadbeat that is her biodad from just randomly popping in and out of her life in the future. So any divorce proceedings would be put on hold and we couldn't be public about it. And he says he's okay with still adopting her for this purpose.

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I've been staying at home since i was newly pregnant with our youngest and been a homemaker, but I'm a waitress by trade, which I did since high school, and even a short stint over last summer for some extra cash. I love hard work and I'm not afraid of it.

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But I feel this deep deep grief. The life I thought I would be able to build. Caring for our dream home, caring for our small dream-farm, looking after the finances, managing investments for our retirement goals, homeschooling our kids, maybe having a 4th baby down the road, who knows. And all of that is shriveling up and dying in front of my eyes. Going back to work, being away from my babies so much, managing it all myself, then the prospect of future relationship with having such a limited social life, but also being a divorcee with 3 kids by 2 different dads... that shit is complicated. On paper, I would assume people would ask what the hell is wrong with me and head for the hills. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I love him, I love our family, I love our life and I love what we have to look forward to. I was a single mom before and I did well, but that was one kid.

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We did one counseling session but he says he thinks it's just putting off the inevitable. I have no worries about him screwing me over, because that's not our dynamic or his goal. He says he's going to pay for the car still, if I want it, on top of child support, which is helpful.

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I'm thinking of having him stay until at least Christmas because I'm due in September and I'm going to need help with the other two kids through my pregnancy and after having the baby, and it feels like its the literal least he could do. I'm researching some job options but will probably end up just waiting tables because I'm good at it, and was pulling over $20/hour doing that. Just hard to be away from my babies and be losing the life I have and was going to have.

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I guess I'm just looking for some support, advice, tips, how to organize and get back on my feet, be present and available for my little ones. Probably going to find an actual support group where I live. This just absolutely sucks.

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Edit: Just wanted to add, we have several thousand dollars in savings, which he says would all be mine, and both accounts are only in my name so are secure, and that I could just have everything in the house, the TV, all the furniture.