Please no judgment.

This is our 3rd child. I’m newly pregnant, I’m terrified. I feel like this was a mistake. I can barely keep up with the two we have now. I already really struggle with depression and do what I can to combat it and keep myself grounded and keep up with my life.. I just feel this sinking feeling of losing my body for good when it took me so long to get back after my second baby. Of being left out even more from young people life than I already am. I’m afraid of being looked at as a nanny even more than I already am. I’m just now starting to get some kind of sleep occasionally that my youngest is sleeping in a crib in my room. Both my pregnancies were healthy and fine and great but it’s still so hard. It’s so much work. It’s so much food. I’m afraid of falling apart. I’m afraid of having a boy because I have no idea what to do for boys. I babysat 2 at one point in time and they were terrible. I’m terrified of the possibility of twins. I just don’t see how I’m going to make this work. I have lots of support from my husband and immediately family who live close by, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not… happy about it. I know I should be in therapy but I just can’t seem to stick with a therapist or even find one I like. This is just so hard and I feel so guilty for not being more responsible with sex, but we were not preventing at the time because we were okay having another one at the time. It’s just real now. I feel so stupid and juvenile.