I know people try to be helpful. And my poor husband y’all. I’m reduced to tears every other day with my toddlers endless power struggles with me over stupid exhausting shit. He’s working 7 days a week doing tower work on the other side of the country, he’s been gone for a month and won’t be back until Christmas. I know there’s basically nothing he can do to help but I totally snapped at him when he offered for his grandma to watch the kids for me so I can take a few hours to take a nap or a bath or get a pedicure. Which I appreciate so much.

I see so much online for help for SAHMs to make time for themselves, invest in themselves, etc. and I honestly do most of those things. I have an elaborate skincare routine, I put on a little makeup most days, shower 2x a day, I keep my house pretty tidy and keep up with most of my chores pretty well most of the time.

I adore my kids. I love staying home with them. I love to squish them and cuddle them and have laughs together, I’d rather spend time with them than with adults most of the time, I have no friends and no interest honestly, because I also just like being by myself and I don’t feel “filled up” by “girlfriend time”. And honestly I feel a slight aversion to really taking alone time because sometimes I just don’t wanna go back to it alone. Sometimes it’s easier to just keep trucking and keep my momentum so I don’t start getting in my head missing my old life before kids.

But honestly, I just need a vacation. With my husband. To feel connected and not just a maid and nanny. To feel sexy and fun, not just a secretary and chauffeur. I’m 24 and i feel like my sexuality (which I hold a lot of my identity in, it’s important to me) dying in a way. I just wish he could be home every night to kiss before falling asleep, but he obviously can’t.

I’m just sitting here feeling sorry for myself for a minute before I dry it up and get into bed and prepare for the coming day.