So last time I was pregnant I had a great doctor. He did ultrasounds at every appointment, was great at telling me about everything going on and giving me information about any tests done and encouraging me to asks questions. I don't think I had a single stress or worry the whole pregnancy.

Of course this one is entirely different. I'm 17 weeks today and my doctor is the only one local to me that does prenatal care at the local clinic. My appointments tend to last 5 minutes tops. I go in and give a urine sample, do the vitals, and then hear the heartbeat through a doppler and the doctor leaves as soon as he is done.

I've gotten blood work 3 times already and wasn't aware I could say no to certain things like an early glucose test and then a 2 part down syndrome test and neither were explained to me during their rushed appointments. I've had one ultrasound for dating/sizing that also went along with the 2 part blood test, and I was told nothing during the whole ultrasound because the tech said she couldn't say anything to me about it. But she did allow me to grab a few pictures on my phone and hear the heartbeat for a few seconds. I don't have any physical pictures and I have no money to get a private ultrasound done, I was lucky my daughter could go in with me to see the baby at all.

I have problems stopping the doctors and nurses to make them talk to me, usually I would have someone go with me to help because I have anxiety but with COVID that's not allowed. I've been doing better at it, which is why I even learned what the blood work is that I have been told to do and I asked too when I would get an anatomy scan since my next appointment I will be 21 weeks. No one knew what I meant by anatomy scan and just said it could be discussed at my next appointment.

I just feel so fucking stressed out and like none of this pregnancy is real and I have no idea what to do. I haven't announced on facebook because I wanted to do something cute with my daughter but every idea has fallen through and I am already almost half way through. I don't want to buy anything until I know the gender and that never seems like it's going to happen so I don't even want to buy anything at all. I'm not even really showing or anything either, which I didn't with my daughter until way later so it's not that weird but with everything else it feels weird.

No one even acts like I am pregnant either in my family, it's like they all forget until I say I can't do something because of pregnancy and even then they act like I should still be able to do things anyways and like I am being dramatic. I'm just so fucking over all of this. All I've felt this whole pregnancy is constant disappointment and stress and I just want it to be going more like my last one.