So the last few months have been a struggle for everyone, I know. And I was kind of coping for awhile. Not super well in the 'high-functioning adult' sense but I was feeling okay. I am typically quite even-keeled and emotionally strong, good coping mechanisms for my mild mental health episodes (depression, anxiety, ADHD and sleep issues). But the last month has just drained the life out of me. I feel like structure, meaning, joy, purpose, and sense of belonging have been sucked out from under me. I'm just like this calm, lethargic, placid shell of a person right now. I can't even bring myself to watch a movie.

I feel like such an afterthought to my friends and family. No one has sought my company and my best friend seems to be hanging out with everyone but me which makes me jealous of everyone hanging out with her and envious of her for having so many people who love her. My only other really close friend has been basically incommunicado for 3 years due to having a girlfriend who feels threatened by our friendship. I feel humiliated by the fact that I'm longing for their company but they are clearly not longing for mine. None of my other friends really seem to give a damn about me one way or the other. I just feel so lonely and lovable and badly in need of love.

I've been a very shitty absent parent lately too. Being with my son used to be my favorite part of the day. He used to love it too. But he's 12 and he treats my bids for engagement and quality time together as something to be borne, not enjoyed. So I've been letting him watch YouTube and play video games pretty much all day for a month. I barely even bother to make dinner. He seems fine but like, I hate that I'm setting such a shitty example, sleeping til noon and just doing nothing all day. He deserves a mom that gives even a little bit of a fuck about what he does all day.

My s/o is honestly the only thing holding me together right now. He's been wonderful as usual and I don't want to downplay how lucky I am to have him in my life. But he's exhausted and burnt out and just can't help me more than he already is, which isn't enough.

Today I felt so fucking shitty that it was affecting me physically. Everything was simultaneously too stimulating and not stimulating enough. I felt just... paralyzed, and miserable, and alone, and just incapable of summoning the kind of mindset that usually makes me feel a bit better. I realized holy shit I am fucking depressed all at once. I made an appointment with my GP right away. Now mild depression has ebbed and flowed throughout my life but this is the first time it feels so bad and persistent that I feel in over my head and in need of professional help

Anyways... if you read my emotional purge, thank you so much. I just needed to get it out there. It's been a bad day.