So SD (7.5) has been with partner and I for most of the month but for the past 10 days she's been with s/o's family (Grandma, Grandpa, and Auntie) on a 'road trip' wherein they've been staying in hotels and with family/family friends, going to museums and zoos and other kid-friendly stops. Partner would have gone with them but couldn't get time off of work.

A little preface about SD- she's been living with her mom, mom's bf and his two sons (11 and 9, I think) about 10 hours away from us so we only get to have her 6-8 weeks/year. It kinda blows but what are you gonna do. Her mom and my bf have been basically separated since she was born and it was never a super-serious relationship. So while we are very involved in her life, she's never 'lived with' partner and I. When she lived 1 hour away, we had her about 3 weekends a month and the other weekend, she stayed with her paternal grandparents.

Now SD has always been a bit... mercurial. S/o and I agree that between her and my son (10), she is by far the trying one. Always has been. Plenty of lovely qualities, but whereas my son is eager to please, easygoing, and conflict-avoidant, SD has issues with regulating her emotions and how she responds to them, leading to frequent meltdowns, conflicts, arguments... and what have you. Now, I've been a little concerned about her, since, TO ME, it doesn't seem like she's gained much if any maturity in the past 2 years. Like at her age I would kind of expect her not to yell at people all the time to try and get her way, throw mini-tantrums over being expected to do things like help us tidy up or brush her hair, not automatically respond with 'no!' to gentle suggestions about how she can better conduct herself... that kind of shit. In a lot of ways she acts like a preschooler. When she was with us, I noticed it right away, and after a few days I came to my s/o and was like 'Hey, you need to speak to her mom about her behaviour, I feel like she should be able to handle her shit a little better at this age, I think she needs to see a pediatric psychiatrist.' I suspect ADHD and possible comorbidities (like ODD). He agreed and has been sort of putting it off due to the fact that she isn't with her mom.

So most of the month goes by and I feel like I make a little progress with her. I wouldn't define myself as any particular 'style' of parent but seeing as how I rarely, if ever have to discipline my son, it's just not really my area of expertise, and I'm pretty patient and relaxed in general. Thus, I do my best to coax her through difficulties with hugs, patience, stern talkings-to, ignoring her when she's being unreasonable until she can conduct herself better, coaxing her through 'issues' to help her make better choices, whatever. Like I'm firm on some things, less on others, and generally try to avoid yelling, sending her to her room or withholding privileges, and for the most part, this works. Tedious though it is, she responds fairly well to this type of treatment and I can usually get her to stay relatively calm. I also treat her like an 'equal' more or less- not giving in when she says she can't or won't do something necessary, but also including her in decisions and my train of thought without censorship.

Then, she goes off with her GMa, GPa, and Auntie on their road trip. Almost immediately we get reports of bad behaviour. Okay, she's always kinda been like that. It sucks that she's acting up on your trip, we sympathise, we're planning on speaking to her mom about getting her some help. They are dropping her off with Mom, today.

Well last night, GMa calls us in what seems to be a bit of a panic. She tells us something is SEVERELY wrong with SD. We must do something immediately. Queue gut-wrenching reaction from me. Oh dear god, what happened? Well, here's the DAMNING list of accusation's she wanted to confront SD's mother with.

She reacts explosively to small disappointments (she's always been this way)

She said she'd rather be dead than alive (imo, kid stuff. SD doesn't know what 'dead' means. She told me 3 of her friends died this summer- one from cancer, one from a shark attack, one from running into a car. I think she sees it as something very dramatic you can say to get attention)

She gets very upset when people get mad at her because she doesn't know how they will react (kinda concerning, but could just be her personality imo)

She said her mom locks her in her room to keep her safe when her stepdad is mad (also kind of concerning, but to be honest, it's possible this just happened once or twice while they were having a fight. While fighting around kids isn't great, keeping the kids away from it is what I would do in that situation. Either way, didn't seem like she was in harms' way)

That her 'brothers' (stepdad's sons) were mean to her (kids can be mean. She was mean to my son this summer. That doesn't mean it's going unaddressed. It doesn't sound like there is any abuse going on there, when I talk to her about them 'being mean')

She hugs and cries to her stuffies when she gets too upset (TOTALLY normal!!)

She has no friends and nobody cares about her (this makes me sad, and one of the reasons I think she needs to be seen by a doctor. But outside of that, no one's fault. I KNOW she has tons of people that care about her, I'm sad she's feeling that she doesn't, but again, she's prone to dramatics.)

Last but not least, that her stepbrothers get hit on the hand with a wooden spoon if they don't clean up properly but that it has never happened to her. (This one is my least favorite, and I don't know what to make of it. It could be the truth, but apparently this revelation came to light after GMa told her tales of being spanked with one as a child, which may have been leading as SD is known to 'tell stories'. Assuming this has happened to SD's stepbrothers... honestly... as a parent that never uses physical discipline... it doesn't sound THAT BAD. Not ideal, not something I would do, but hardly something that I'd be willing to scream 'abuse!' at. If that's the extent of it than the children are in no immediate danger.)

So after this list of complaints rolls in, GMa sobs and begs us to get a social worker involved and try to gain custody. She says this is SERIOUS and has gone on too long, that we need to do something, intervene in some way. That SD has suffered 'too much already' and need to be brought 'home'. Which immediately raised my hackles. Like oh my god, you can't just try and take a child from her mother and primary caregiver for her WHOLE LIFE just because they have some problems at home. Even if we totally sympathized with her, it doesn't work that way! For stuff like this, social services would probably monitor them lightly, talk to the kids to make sure they're not in immediate harm and offer family services to help them all cope. MIL threatens to not drop SD off at home with her mother at home and instead 'keep her'. Thankfully s/o convinced her she was out of her goddam mind and that she might never see her granddaughter again if she pulled a stunt like that. She conceded pretty quickly about that, but then is so insistent that SD's home life is traumatizing her and that's why she's acting out all the time. While I agree that if things are really unstable for her over there, it might exacerbate issues she's always had with temper and whatnot, but I really think she's over-conflating the two.

For all our differences, I think SD's mother is a good parent, I have NEVER gotten a sense of abuse or neglect. I know SD is vulnerable where she is as she has no other family to look after her besides her mother and 'steps', so when she is here, I am always sure to gently quiz her on how things are at her moms', if she feels safe and happy there, that if anything bad happens she can always tell us cause we love her. While I know children occasionally withhold information for fear of being taken away or what have you, she's always forthcoming about complaints (which I deem to be 'not a big deal') but mostly expresses normal, happy, kid stuff. Plus, she goes to public school, daycare, and sees a psychologist... the latter being something the parents of abused or neglected kids are often hesitant to let their kid see, since that's one thing psychologists are sure to suss out. Basically, I get NO SENSE that things are 'that bad' at home. Maybe not perfect, maybe not ideal, maybe there are some problems but hardly worth calling social services over or, god forbid, kidnapping her for.

My s/o (who, for all his faults, can be very calm and reassuring about this stuff) convinced MIL to drop SD off with her mom without confronting her, that he would talk to SD's mom about every concern (maybe omitting the stupid non-concerns they seem to think exist), but man this stuff really freaks me out. I feel like we are expected to conduct a trial on SD's behalf because her life isn't some picture of family bliss. Like that since her childhood hasn't been perfect, she needs to be taken away from her mother for making some mistakes and FAST and NOW. MIL is still insisting we call social services but the more I think about it... almost nothing she said seems really BAD ENOUGH to justify it. I almost wonder if MIL was, idk, not coaching her into saying specifics of course, but SD is really responsive when people are paying attention to her and will do a lot of things to maintain that attention. She lives off of attention, which makes her susceptible to suggestion and occasionally fabricates things to get sympathy. Am I monster for not really wanting to call? Maybe we should but honestly, I would hate to stir up shit and put her mom under the microscope for no good reason.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this confessional. I feel better just getting it off my chest. If y'all have any advice on how you would handle this, consider it very much solicited.