I've been thinking about posting something along these lines for a long time...years maybe...but some of my other most vulnerable reddit posts have been met with...less than supportive comments, so I haven't. I've been lurking here for a while, posted maybe once or twice, and you guys seem pretty understanding, so here goes... this is going to be long, but I'm really at the end of my rope...

I was 20 when I got pregnant from a one-night stand in college. I was going to terminate, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I was going to place for adoption, but my son came early and I was unprepared and so I took him home with me. I realize now I had always considered my baby my baby, and so I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with the adoption even with the best laid plans. My son, Oli, is 10 now.

I filed for child support from the beginning, but other than that his bio dad has very little involvement. His mother, my son's paternal grandmother, has been very involved. She lives about 4 hours away and takes Oli for long weekends and on school breaks about 6 times a year. She is one of the few bright spots in his life; the only adult other than me that he has a strong relationship with.

My mom died when Oli was 4. My dad lives across the country, but visits several times a year, and even takes Oli for about a month in the summer, but their relationship is rocky, to put it mildly, and I'm considering limiting the time they spend together alone. My sister lives here and is my main support, but she is also a single mom and has never really had the time or desire to develop a strong one-on-one relationship with Oli, though I've suggested some ways that she could do that and I could develop a closer relationship with my nephew.

I was in a serious relationship from the time oli was 2 until he was 6. That man lived with us from 3-6. Oli refers to him as his "step dad" still, though he knows that's not technically correct since we were never married. After we broke up, he moved several states away but tries to maintain a relationship with Oliver through mail and telephone calls, and has visited a handful of times, though it's been difficult to make that happen. Oli isn't a letter-writing or phone-call-making type, so having a meaningful long-distance relationship with him is challenging.

Other than him, I've been in a couple of semi-serious relationships, but none have lived with us and have mostly ended in a severely broken heart on my part. I am seeing someone long-distance now, and he is fantastic and wonderful but we are not official due to the distance and I don't know that those are circumstances that will change anytime soon.

Oliver was diagnosed with ADHD in kindergarten, and after trying some other solutions, we started medication in second grade. It is not well-controlled and we finally got in to see a psychiatrist about six months ago. The psyd is trying some different solutions for medication. His most recent recommendation is Risperdal, which is an antipsychotic used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar, but also has some off-label success to treat ADHD. It has some pretty intense potential side-effects, and is a very potent medication that I'm hesitant to start my son on, but I told him I'd have an answer for him tomorrow. There has also been mention of a potential diagnosis of ODD and depression.

During the IEP meeting (eligibility for special ed) the school counselor and others told me his behavior is not even typical ADHD behavior - that she believes other things are going on as well. They "diagnosed" him with "severe emotional deficit" and he is now in special ed and gets some additional services from the school for that.

He is also in counseling, has been for about 10 months now. He is resistant and refuses to participate in that. The counselor told me he was one of the most difficult kids she's worked with, and she is about ready to give up. He is rude and disrespectful to her and makes it glaringly clear that he doesn't want to be there.

I work full time , I am an accountant and a partner in my firm. (This doesn't mean I make a lot of money; I make about $30k from that and survive on child support, rent income from properties inherited from my mom, and credit cards. I feel this is relevant because it means I can't afford a nanny or tutor or private pay counseling, etc.)

So that's the background I guess. As for the reason I'm posting. I love my son completely, but he is a little shit. A lot of the time I don't like him. He is disrespectful to me and most other people. It's a daily struggle to get him to do anything, chores, homework, then he just does the bare minimum, whining and crying all the while. It is so much harder to get him to do anything than to just do it myself, so he doesn't really help around the house at all. He is obsessed with videos and video games, and lies, cheats and sneaks to get them. I don't have the energy to enforce my rules regarding that or anything else consistently really. He is home alone for a few hours after school because he didn't get into after school care this year (it was first-come first-serve, but apparently having been in the program since kindergarten doesn't count!). So he gets to basically do whatever he wants for 2-3 hours a day and even after I'm home it's practically impossible to get him off of the screens. If he gets in trouble or is otherwise upset about something, he will throw a monster tantrum, saying he hates himself and wants to die. Sometimes he hits himself. At school, he gets in trouble for cussing, for fighting with other kids, for not participating in class, etc. His grades are all over the map, A's to F's. He's above average intelligence but doesn't do his work neatly enough or turn it in on time or at all for his grades to reflect his intelligence. He doesn't listen; I have to tell him 5-6 times to do anything I want him to do, and then he only listens when I start yelling. He often literally doesn't even hear me, or says he doesn't anyway.

I feel like things are spiraling out of control, and have been for years. I don't know how much of this is my fault, but I expect quite a large portion. I've been a pretty lax parent, like I said, I don't have the energy to enforce rules consistently. Also coming up with a plan for fixing this is overwhelming. There are too many overlapping issues. I'm a pretty black-and-white thinker, and the advice is just so all over the map regarding discipline that I feel paralyzed when trying to come up with a plan. I've tried different things over the years but it always ends up being too confusing or difficult to continue with, and what little plan I come up with never feels like enough to address all the issues. He's a master negotiator, he argues with me about everything, even things that have no consequence. It's exhausting. I don't know where to start with fixing this. There are half-finished "rules lists" all over the house that I've started at various times with good intentions, but rarely are they enforced. My son knows I won't enforce rules, and even when I do, or when he otherwise receives a consequence, it has absolutely no affect on his future behavior. So it just causes a lot of heartache for me (having to deal with a whining, cajoling, tantrum-throwing monster for hours after the fact), and no positive outcome because he just repeats the behavior the next day.

I've considered completely removing screens from his life, since it does sometimes seem to be the root of many of the problems. The issue with this is that his cell phone is his only mode of communication when he's home alone after school. I got it for him when he didn't get into after school care this year. I have software on it that's supposed to limit his access during certain times of day and to certain apps, but it doesn't seem to be working like it should. Also when he's home alone, I like him to have screens available because I'm afraid otherwise he could get himself into trouble. Plus it would suck for me to have to not watch football or anything else while he's around. And I don't know that I want to take away his favorite thing.

I am pretty sensitive to criticism regarding my parenting abilities. My mom was critical before she died, and my ex that lived with us was constantly judging me. Those experiences have damaged me probably more than I have acknowledged yet.

I am doing some online counseling, though I'm not convinced yet how helpful it will be. My counselor wrote a plan for 4-6 sessions, which is laughable to me considering what I feel to be the weight of this problem (these problems).

I need Nanny 911 or whatever that show was in to come in, define the problems, and help me make a plan. Honestly, I just don't know where to start with it. It's just too overwhelming.

I don't know really why I'm here other than to vent and maybe see if anyone has any advice that I can't get online or in parenting books. That advice is just often not practical for the life we live. The advice itself usually just contributes to the feeling of being overwhelmed. Is all of this normal, am I just being a baby? Is this just parenting? I've been told by a few people that my son is particularly difficult, but I wouldn't know because he's the only child I've ever raised. If he is particularly difficult, is it just because of poor parenting? Sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you have.

tl;dr Parenting is HARD