That what I ask myself probably a million times a day. I have a 3yo and a 3week old. I take care of the baby 24/7 right now because I'm still on leave. My SO is great for about 2-3 hours a day, he'll change and feed and do all the fun dad stuff. But when he comes home at night it's still all on me, even after telling him how dead fucking tired I've been he had the balls to budge me awake when our little shit sitter woke up at 4am when he was still up because he was 'just about to go to bed'.

I've been pumping as best I can because she won't latch, idk what it is with my kids but they don't know how to open their mouths until they can talk and then they never shut the fuck up! I've been having a really shitty time pumping, I'm lucky if I make 6oz a day. I was pumping every 2 hours, torturing myself, I was hating everything because my life revolved around my pump. Now I go 4 hours and had an increase in production and I was getting really excited about things going so well. But of course that can't last because something has to fuck things up. Now it's looking like she has a milk protein allergy, so I'm supposed to cut out dairy, all dairy...uh,yea, fuck that. I love milk, and yogurt, and cheese, and it's a huge part of my diet. I also cannot follow food restrictions for the life of me, definitely if it means cutting things out completely. So I think I'm just going to quit pumping. I go back to work in two weeks, I don't have a job that is really pumping friendly, as in why would I want to voluntarily take the time off and lose out on money during my work day? I don't. So fuck it, I'm done, I give up.

And to top it off my 3yo is upset with me and always seems so sad because I don't have the same time for her as I did before even though I'm not even working right now. She loves her sister and she has been honestly amazing and wonderful with her. I was worried about an attitude or her acting out but she totally has adjusted. But I feel like the worst mom in the world when she looks back at me from the tv while I'm feeding the baby or pumping like I have betrayed her.

I'm just sick of feeling shitty about things. I can't wait to go back to work. I miss my coworkers, they're a bunch of bitches but I love them like family. And even though I have to deal with other people's snot nosed brats at least I don't feel bad about hurting their feelings and they aren't my responsibility.