I'll probably have to walk around and knock on every bit of wood I find after this but I want to just put this out there. I am happy! This is the happiest I have been in months, hell the happiest I've been since before I found out I was pregnant(and considering I'm typing this at 5:30am while pumping, maybe I've gone insane).

I had a baby 5 days ago. I had my csection that I planned for but way ahead of time because my blood pressure randomly decided to start being crazy high and make me feel like garbage! I was 37 weeks and I was thinking everyday for the past two that I wanted to die. Not just because I was uncomfortable but because I was depressed, my anxiety was high, I hated everything and everyone. I was constantly fighting with my SO. I didn't even know if I actually wanted this baby, I never felt a bond with her while she was in me, I actually hated her for a while because I was falling apart. My 3yo was always driving me crazy, and as much as I love her there were a lot of times I didn't want to be around her, I didn't want to be around the only person that could make me smile through those months and I hated myself so much for it.

But as soon as I heard that first cry, my heart melted, I cried and couldn't take my eyes off of her . She was perfect and healthy and even her daddy cried. I dont know if it was the drugs or the adrenaline or what but in that very moment my heart could have burst with how much in love I felt with both of them. I was thinking about leaving him for my own selfish reasons for months, but in that second that disappeared. The baby I thought I didn't want became all I ever wanted.

My partner has been incredibly supportive and helpful and understanding. Even waking him up at 4 am to feed her so I can pump after he worked 12 hours doesn't even result in a groan. He has been amazing and I wish I knew how to show him how much I appreciate him.

My 3yo hasn't been home yet but she did get to meet her sister, and the love she has for her is incredible. I know it won't always be that way but just to see her grow into this incredible big sister over night.

My little bird, eats like a champ(doesn't latch but we will be working on that!), she hardly ever cries and when she does she is easy to calm, she sleeps 3-5 hours at a time at night! I know this is all probably just that newborn miracle phase but I couldn't have gotten luckier!

And to top it all off, I got up yesterday morning and felt great. It was the best I've felt in months. And then I got dressed and put on a little make up for the first time in over a week. I am the same size/shape I was when I found out I was pregnant! That was a great feeling, I really needed the confidence boost and that did it. I stopped my my work today and everyone was shocked because I didn't look like I had a baby a few days ago.

I don't mean to brag but I really thought I was going to have horrible ppd, I thought I was going to continue hating my life and thinking about going to the extremes to get out of it. Being happy was the last thing I ever expected.