VENTING] "Husband" (we're not legally married...thank God) doesn't know how to cash his own work checks. He needs his mommy to do it for him. I got laid off last year 4 months after I had my 4th child. That same week, we had to move. I lost my savings trying to still handle everything. I thought I would be back in action by now. My confidence is in the shitter. Granted, I'm tool old to have confidence issues.

I let him claim the kids on his taxes since I was out of work and I figured idk what I figured. He got a fraction of what I usually get and half went to paying off gambling debts with a bookie LMAO I am scared that I chose this. I have ZERO dollars to my name rn. I was doing micro tasks, but I spent that on wipes and food lol I had to put stuff back at the grocery store which I never had to do when I was working. We had a plush fridge when I was working. He would claim that I had too much food. Yea, the kids were FED. He and his punk ass family. He would claim that I bought too much stuff. Yea, the kids were happy and I was able to meet their demands. I worked for myself for 7 years. Had my own client base and I just....lost it. I tried going to a boot camp for Software Development. I was taking UX courses during the pandemic and I feel like I am blocked. Idk. I am.very triggered and I am trying to find a remote job or gig to get us through the other side. I feel absolutely hinged to despair being reliant on him 100%. I tried signing up for SNAP. It hurt so bad. My lost savings, resources, and investments. I let the application expire. I fought so hard to have the independence that I had and I destroyed it. I am so stupid.

Yesterday, a neighbor girl said "she felt bad for us for being so poor". She's 9. I did not get visibly mad, but I spent the night sobbing and scrolling job boards lol